mollycoddled

2004-10-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

babe you set my soul on fire
thats why i know you're my hearts only desire

FUCK YOU, you goddamn flu bug. i hate you, i hate you, I HATE YOU! i was totally looking forward to tonight, because i could watch mamma mia with my baby, and now you've made her sick and she can't go. DAMN YOU YOU FUCKING FLU BUG. TO HELL WITH YOU. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! fuck to you, fuck to you, FUCK TO YOU. i hope you get out of her system by five. -stomps and pulls out hair. FUCK TO YOU! thanks for just ruining my fucking sunday.

i'm too disorientated to blog properly. i'm down with the flu as well and i am mightily upset. FUCK YOU, FLUBUG. DAMNIT.

2004-10-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

i would give up anything
before i'd separate myself from you

today has been a really really boring day. ): except when i got to spend time with my baby and when i started drawing cartoons and stuff :D.

somehow, i feel like whatever i've done for you just isn't enough. i can never make you completely happy or can never make you open up to me. its like theres a part of you which you've hidden, something you don't want me to see. reading the things you've written others made me realise that maybe you don't quite love me as much as you've loved the others. i don't know, i could be wrong. i just wish i wasn't so useless; wish i could make you completely happy( one of my missions in life). but then again, its probably impossible. i know i have intolerable moodswings and an extremely hot temper, i'm sorry. i'm trying my absolute best to be the best girlfriend i can, to be the girl of your dreams. why does it seem so much like i'm failing? i'm just not good enough, am i. yeah, i knew that a long time ago.

-
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know it's gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending
Wouldn't it be nice
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray
It might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy
Wouldn't it be nice
-
wouldn't it be nice,
beach boys
wouldn't it be so nice? -thinks about it and sighs happily. OH WELL, it won't come true. not now anyway.

2004-10-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

wouldnt it be nice to live together
in the kinda world that we belong

this is going to be one of my last few posts here. i'm either moving blog or just not having a blog at all. (:

i'm in a really cranky mood, but i have my reasons.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE, DO YOU?

2004-10-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

i would give up everything
before i'd separate myself from you

the rain is absolutely fantastic. (: HAHA SEE YOU ALL, pray that i don't get sicker. :D

2004-10-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

somehow.
i dont think i've ever felt;
quite so useless

2004-10-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

i think about you all the time
i see you in my dreams

today is a very very BORING day. ): i spent two hours today with my baby, AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH. ): -pulls a long face. the rest of the afternoon was spent with my tv and my baby's bear and my sofa and my food. doesn't that sound like fun? NOT. ): i'm in a bad mood. >:( and i don't want to go back to school tomorrow, so sue me. >:( AND ALL MY ANNOYING RELATIVES ARE HERE AND THEY ARE BLOODY PISSING ME OFF. (: well, not all. korkors staying over tomorrow. -squeals with utmost joy. i've missed that doofy boy. :D my source of entertainment.

ANYWAY I'M STILL IN A BAD MOOD SO GO AWAY. -hides under a blankie. i miss my twin. -pouts.

2004-10-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

you're like the sun
chasing all of the rain away

marking days have been really fun. (: with the exception of tuesday because i spent tuesday morning at a clinic having a medical checkup for my visa and tuesday afternoon cutting my hair. -pulls hair. ITS REALLY SHORT NOW ): but i had a blast yesterday. i've never had so much fun at the beach before. but i guess its the company too. :D just a reminder to people out there, PLEASE PUT SUNBLOCK WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH. or you'll end up like me. whining about a very very burnt and very very painful back. ): but it was really fun yesterday anyway. -skips around in joy.

i'm going off now! will reply you all soon. (:

-
Girl you are to me,all that a woman should be
and I dedicate my life to you always.
A love like yours is rare,
it must have been sent from up above.
And I know you'll stay this way, for always.
-
always,
atlantic starr
(: to you, my sweet love. (:

2004-10-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

you'll still have my heart
until the end of time

weekend has been fantastic, come to think of it, so has last week. :D not that the papers were good, but the company was. :D i haven't blogged in about 30 million years. okay, not that long, a week maybe? (: i just watched 13 going on 30. it might be really cliche and everything, but hey I LOVED IT. :D now i really want to go and swing and play in the playground and everything :D i think i shall do just that, if i can find ANYONE to go with me that is. -whine. everyone seems to be studying for chinese. hmm, now why aren't I studying for chinese. OH WAIT, I DON'T CARE! :D

i love my babygirl, shes simply amazing. :D my mom loves her too! more than me, i think. -pout. i'm cleopatra and shes my servant. :D she made my bed for me yesterday. i told you she is amazing :D

REPLIES!

ZELANIE i haven't seen my baby dustbin man yet, i think he has ran away. you are so lucky you still have you oh-so-hunky chicken rice man you know? -sighs loudly. I SHALL GO FIND HIM, and he will be MY KING :D -beams happily. yuck, can't you just feel the bile rising in your throat? i can!

ANON WHO LOVES YOU (: thank you. i just wish i knew who you were. anyway, take care. :D love you!-mwahmwah

DREA haha i'm going to need more than just luck, i'm going to need a MIRACLE! anyway, i love you! -mwahmwah.

all i wanna do; is grow old with you

2004-10-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to leave you
and i'll never let you go

the weekend has been wonderful. (: spending time with my favourite people in the world is just amazing. (: my saturday afternoon was spent at compass point mall and mrs see's place with OSTRICH, PAMMYPOO, BEAVER and ABIGAIL. (: three of my favourite classmates (i'm sure you know who the three are, right?) (: and the evening was spent with my wonderful, incredible, amazing babygirl (: and following that was my dads birthday dinner. (: -sighs contentedly. (: sunday morning spent at my tutors place, most of sunday afternoon spent with TWIN. (: see why i said my weekend was wonderful? (: because i got to spend it with my favourite people in the world! :D -grins widely.

today is my dad's birthday and though he will never get to read this (he'd better not) HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY (: i love you very much! thank you for everything. :D

-
All I need in my life
Is you by my side, girl
Let me be the one
To hold you close
Your hand in mine, girl
And together we'll fly.
-
fly with me,
98 degrees

babygirl, its amazing, the effect you have on me. i just can't stop grinning. (: you are truly incredible and i love you with all my heart. -holds you really tightly. (:

anyway, all the best for finals! (:

REPLIES!

PAMMPOO you never fail to make me smile too! you are so cute and hilarious i swear. (: you, charmaine and i are the. WOMAN IN BLACK! (: -skips around. can't wait to see you in school tommorrow sweetie! (: i love you pammypoo! -mwahmwah! -jumps on your back expecting you to piggyback me. (:

ZHI hahaha you can pay me! i tell your jokes very well! (: well, kinda! haha.

BUNKEYTWIN twin darling please cheer up. (: i'm always here for you, loving you no matter what. we'll blog in our blog and bitch about those annoyants alright? (: i is loving you very very very much. -bigkiss! (:

-dances around. i'm on cloud nine. thanks to my babygirl (:

2004-10-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

dont give up on us baby
give out love one more chance

these few days have been really hectic. a rollercoaster ride maybe? :l some good, some bad. the good parts were spending time with my beloved friends. (: and bad parts were.. i shall not go into that. the bad parts were VERY VERY BAD by the way.

i'm scared. i am so fucking scared to lose you.

-
Don't give up on us, baby
We're still worth one more try
I know we put a last one by
Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us,
I know
We can still come through
-
don't give up on us,
david soul
please, don't leave me.

today i had a major fit. (: i have fits alot nowadays. -grin. OKAY THEY AREN'T FITS, they're just tantrums. (: i know you hate my tantrums and i'm trying to change already alright. -pout.

I LOVE MY OSTRICH, MY TWIN, MY PAMMYPOO and all MY DARLINGS. (: -blows flying kisses to them.

REPLIES!

SAMANTHA yes i am leaving. haha thats strange, i thought the whole drama society knew. :l anyway, i love your bag! its utterly gorgeous. (: take care hun. love ya!

MY OH-SO-WONDERFUL-HUSBAND darling, where have you been? haha yeahh you better miss me or i won't buy your icecream for you. -pokes you. (: i can see that you are mugging, good husband. (: i miss you husband! anyway, i love you. (: -mwahhmwahh

ZHI i realised i haven't replied you. haha yes, i am moody. ): -growl. by the way, your jokes are really lame. (: but they're kinda funny? haha i told my dad the ghost story and he was like, did yingzhi tell you that? and i was like yeahh how did you know? then he was like, its similiar to the pink joke. YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE??? -faints. haha happy childrens dayyyy cowwww. (: lILY. (: betcha miss that. -sticks tongue.

DEBZ ooh i remember you!! haha man, i miss cats tuition. (: anyway, take care yeahh. (:

JESSLYN HO YOU BITCH IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I'D JUST LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME ON YOUR VISIT HERE!

GRR, i'm all pouty and whiny now. ): -hides under a blanket.

2004-09-29T07:38:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting down here
but hey you can't see me

BAD DAY, as usual. ): but oh well, i'm getting used to them. (:

-
If tomorrow never comes
Would she know how much I love her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
She's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
She must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
-
maybe i haven't. maybe all i've been doing hasn't been enough.
we'll pull through, we will.

2004-09-28T04:46:00.000-07:00

tears on my pillow
pain in my heart

today was just about the worst day of my life. if i didn't have my ostrich, my twin, my babytish and my wardhua and my other friends, i would probably never have made it through.

we can't go on like this. its KILLING ME, do you know that? i don't know why you are doing this to me. i really really don't.

fuck it, just kill me already.

2004-09-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

i know i tend to get so insecure
it doesn't matter anymore

I'M IN A BAD MOOD. ): probably because i miss you. ): -pouts

~~we're together but living separate lives.~~

2004-09-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

you to me are everything
the sweetest song that i could sing

(: today is a good day. YOU made it good. (: so did ostrich and twin of course. :D

had bio tuition today. it was a pretty productive session. :D which is good. met ostrich and we had a blast didn't we. (: except for the part where i had to WAIT FOR OSTRICH TO -ahem. NEVERMIND. (: i love ostrich! spent the evening with j (: she's amazing. she put a wide wide wide smile on my face and it hasn't gone away since. (: except when she told me that she couldn't talk tonight. -whines and pouts. stupid babyj. -bites her. i love JAYDEN (: -giggles.

i'm in a good mood. i don't care, i'm going to wait the whole night for her to call me. (: -runs off in glee.

REPLIES!

RYLL (: yes we must go out before i leave. (: take care, you. love ya!-mwahmwah

oh by the way, it is confirmed that i am leaving on the 200105 -cries. its a midnight flight by the way. (: -hints. (:

to JAYDEN (:
Baby girl you’re my world my everything
I wanna lace you withdiamonds and every ring
Give you everything you dream and fantasize
Cause you can tell me that you love me
Looking in my eyes
You keep it real with me,
I keep it real with you
You keep on loving me,
I’ll keep on loving you
Keep doing what you do,
I feel your whole aura
And I can’t wait to hook up again tomorrow baby
-grins widely.

2004-09-24T03:47:00.000-07:00

and i need you now tonight
and i need you more than ever

i really don't have much to say, just that it was another bad day. and if it weren't for my darling ostrich, i would probably never have made it through. (: she never fails to cheer me up and put a smile on my face. (: thyrox also made me smile today because SHE IS JUST SO COOL, isn't she char? :D -beepbeepbeep- (: thyrox alert thyrox alert! that retard actually tried to SKIP assembly today because she had a "migraine". my ass she had a migraine. -pfft. man, i'm going to miss her, NOT. -squeals with laughter.

i re-read 'The Notebook' again. i think its an amazing story. -sighs with content. true love. now how many people actually get to experience and share what Noah and Allie had? not many i would think.

suddenly, i really really really don't want to leave, i don't want to go to Australia. a few days without spending time with you is enough to kill me and put me in a constant miserable state. i don't know what its going to be like when i'm in Sydney. i'd probably die of misery before i even get to come back to Singapore. -sighs loudly. and plus i'll be there without my twin, my ostrich, my darling ward who comes and gives me morning hugs everyday, tish my dramamamababy (: who is so huggable, ade and colleen(who complete my recess), and everybody who i love oh-so-dearly here. ): -stomps around. AND THE WORST PART IS, i'll be there WITHOUT YOU! ):

And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
-babyface,
nobody knows it but me.

REPLIES!

TOREN haha, i'm happy for you! (: but unfortunately hun, you've still got o's. hahaha. :l okay, i don't need to remind you right? mmm add me at the dysfcukktional one okay? (: talk to you soon. love ya!-mwahmwah

DADDY i -heart- you too. (: you had a dream about me? -grin. i had the same dream too. i know what you mean by WOW. wasn't i hot in that -whispers polkadotted g-string (: love ya my sexyyyy daddy!-mwahmwah

SAB heyy!(: -pfft how come you gave shawn my number? haha and how did you get it anyway. haha

BUNKEYtwin (: twin you hoho we are going to our hoho place later right? it just rained though -pfft so we probably can't sit down. hopefully the ground won't be wet. I MISS YOU SO MUCH! -bites you. (: i love you twindarling! -BIGKISS.

JES haha i swear you had SO better go out with me or i'll bite you till you bleed. miss you babe. love ya!-mwahmwah

shes burning out on apathy

2004-09-23T02:38:00.000-07:00

some people question what i say
try to break up you and me

bad day again. but my ostrich never fails to brighten up my day. not forgetting our recess gang (: [e.g. ade, colleen]. and hua! (: mm oh and my son who so very kindly talked to me and wiped my tears away. not that it kept them from falling of course.

i'm amused. its amazing, the things you learn in biology. too much thyroxine causes your eyeballs to bulge, your hands to tremble, your neck to be slightly fatter and your body temperature to be higher than normal people. (: now now, don't we know someone like that? -roars with laughter. char, we do, don't we? :D

hung out with hua after school today. (: i love youu ward! (: she made me feel alot better because we talked alot. OH and my darling ostrich taught me how to fold stars properly. i feel so accomplished and i bet she does too. (:

all this doesn't change the fact that i had a bad day though. -sigh. i guess i'm getting used to them.

i read 'The Notebook' again just now. reading it just made me realise how much i miss you, how much i miss spending quality time with you. -sigh. oh well.

-
Time may take us apart, that's true
But I will always be there for you
You're in my heart, youll be in my dreams
No matter how many miles weve seen
I promise you that I wont forget
The day we kissed or the day we met
The sky may fall and the stars may tilt
But I will still, I will still love you
-i will still love you,
britney spears

REPLIES -

JESS sure feels like its sometimes. anyway, SUNDAY! (: i can't wait. :D miss you loads you bitch. (: i love you! -mwahmwah

RENEE yes sweets, as a matter of fact i replied. (: take care hun. i'm always here alright? love ya!-mwahmwah

STEFFI sorry you caught me on a bad day mei. (: i will miss you mountains and high-rise buildings and hills and what not! (: drama party after exams? (: MISS LUCY! (: love youuu!-mwahmwah

MUMMY hahaha i see the sun shining outside! unfortunately its all dark inside. i miss you mummy! i miss drama too. -stomps feet. you are invited to the drama party! love you!-mwahmwah

-J thank you. i'll always love you too. (:

ANON WHO LOVES ME who are you? tell me tell me tell me! yeah, i know. just can't help it sometimes. -pfft. take care whoever you are. thank you for all your words of encouragement. (: love ya!-mwahmwah.

2004-09-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

you dont miss your water
till the well runs dry

one day, if i'm gone,

will you finally realise how hard i tried?
will you finally appreciate the things i do for you?
will you miss me?
will you move on, or will you still love me?
will you finally
finally appreciate me?

i'm having a VERY VERY VERY bad day.

2004-09-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

suddenly

i feel so alone.

2004-09-20T04:56:00.000-07:00

fuck the world
and lets get high

i have this
horrible
horrible
horrible
horrible
horrible
urge to drink.-covers mouth.
FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
drink drink drink drink all my sorrows awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
(:

2004-09-20T04:25:00.000-07:00

~~insecurity~~

is getting the better of me

cursed with a JEALOUS HEART.

2004-09-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

i could search the world over until my life is through
but i know i'll never find another you

this is a special entry, dedicated to my OSTRICH!(: or
my bitching partner
my i wanna go home partner
my private joke partner
my laugh until i'm going to die partner
my school lover
my fuck i havent done my homework partner
my bimbo partner
my lets collapse and die partner
my lalalandkins partner
my ex seating partner
my mei. (:
-
i just wanted to say EMU LOVES OSTRICH. (: thank you so much for making my school life so bearable. if it weren't for you, i wouldn't know what to do. (: you never fail to make me smile! :D i love you -mwahmwah. and i'm pmsing too. (: we can pms together! :D and laugh at *ahem. I CANT GET OUT! :D

2004-09-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

rot motherfucker rot
decay in the dirt bitch

today was not a good day. ): if it weren't for my darling OSTRICH, i wouldn't have made it through the day. (: i love my ostrich!

charmaine: i'm going to turn into an ostrich and attack you
me: i'm going to turn into an emu and fight you!

aren't we hilarious? (: that girl never fails to make me laugh. we had recess with ade, colleen, beverly ng and michelle. (: they thought charmaine and i were crazy because we kept laughing. :D it was funny okay. our little private jokes. (: went to the bookshop and i bought her a really retarded keychain that said "a single rose can make a garden, but a single friend my world". it doesn't make sense, i know. (: came up late for mrs see's lesson and we were laughing her lesson away. i took my chinese oral after that and guess what, i got TWO AND A HALF! (: twentysix words wrong. -rolls on the floor laughing. i had a little outburst after school and char and i headed to caltex. (: and on the way back, WE SAW MS S'S BOYFRIEND! (: -skips around. he's ugly as hell. (: thats why they are a perfect match. (:

you bitch, i swear, every single time i think about you, my blood fucking boils. i wish you would just STAY AWAY. what the hell are you trying to do anyway, bitch? just fucking keep away. or i swear, i'll make you so fucking sorry. i hope you BURN IN HELL BITCH.

on a lighter note, i love my TWIN and my OSTRICH. (: OSTRICH & EMU = 200904.

REPLIES!

ZELANIE sweets! i'll definitely go out with you before i leave! (: we can relive old times and everything. (: i'll miss you. -bighug. love youu! (: -mwahmwah

AUD husband! i'm so sorry to hear about -------------------. ): don't be sad okay? ms sie and ms chua are damn screwed up. you know why right? (: my banana husband, i'll love you no matter what! (:

NANA mmm, i wouldn't exactly call it fun i guess. (: but it was good to see korkor and the little kids! (: ocean goddess looks prettier you know. -laughs and laughs. i'll link you okay? you looked really nice in the band dinner photos! (: love you! -mwahmwah

TOREN angel! (: i'm sure you did fine, considering you're so smart. (: yeah sure, add me add me! (: i'll miss youuu too. come out with me before i leave okay? (: love you!-mwahmwah

-
Mine is a jealous heart
Imagines things that never are
Builds a fire from a tiny spark
But that's the way of a jealous heart
Sunny skies and a rosy bed
Thorns and storm clouds up ahead
'Cause suddenly the sky turns dark
For those of us with a jealous heart
Imagination runnin' wild
Like a frantic frightened child
Any time that we're apart
I can't control my jealous heart
And you know mine is a jealous heart
And every hurt leaves a lasting scar
Don't you hate yourself for the fool you are
When you're cursed with a jealous heart
I love you more than words can tell
One day's heaven two days hell
Suspicious words like poison darts
Spoken from my jealous heart
Mine is a jealous heart
Imagines things that never are
Builds a fire from a tiny spark
But that's the way of a jealous heart
And you know mine, you know mine is a jealous heart
And every hurt, and every hurt leaves a lasting scar
Don't you hate yourself for the fool you are
When you're cursed with a jealous heart
And you know mine, you know mine is a jealous heart
Imagines things, imagines things that never are
Builds a fire from a tiny spark
But that's the way of a jealous heart
-
dolly parton's jealous heart.

2004-09-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

suspicious words like poison darts
spoken from my jealous heart

this is it. i am the worlds worst girlfriend. yes, i know that. i am possesive, i have extremely horrible moodswings, i am a bitch most of the time. i'm trying okay? I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY AM. i can't help being possesive because its in my fucked up nature. you deserve so much better.

everythings just going wrong, so so wrong.

why.why.why.why.why.why.why.WHY???????

i'm scared okay? i'm fucking scared of losing you, but i just can't help myself. no matter how much i try to supress my bad moods, my jealous heart, my possesive nature, i can't. this is me.

take it. or leave it.

2004-09-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

if i could hold on
through the tears and the laughter

i am a horrible beyond horrible ~~girl~~friend. i have the worst moodswings in the world. sometimes i wonder why you don't hate me.

an email from xiu really made my day. (: i love that babe. -hugs her tightly.

2004-09-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

i would walk a thousand miles
if i could just see you tonight

i came back from school right after the first lesson today. :D my mom forced me to go to the doctor and it turns out that i actually have a sore throat! (: so technically, i wasn't faking. :D the medicine the doctor gave me tasted horrible though. so horrible that after taking a spoonful of it i ran to brush my teeth and scrub my tongue. -scrunches nose. awful thing. >:(

did i mention that i am going to get so screwed when i go back to school on monday? i did not hand in the three lit essays that were due today and by doing so i got zero for all three which means i failed my lit ca. -stomps around. AND i didn't hand in my ss. which is okay really because i'm going to be marking it myself anyway. :D OH! and i didn't do three ying yong wens and all the chinese compos. man! -covers face. i bet the teachers can't wait for me to leave SC. sometimes, i can't wait to leave either. (:

i went to watch the drama auditions yesterday. i must say, the drama society has some talented actresses boy. (: most of them did wonderfully. MOST OF THEM. (: felt really down after watching them audition cos i am not going to be here to participate in next years SYF. ): and the script is so much funner this year. -pouts and whines and hides in a corner. with all the I HATE YOUS and the CRYING and the SHOUTING. ): fuck it, i really don't wanna go. i wonder who got the main roles though. i hope tisha got rachel cos she makes a really good one. (:

oh by the way, if you are wondering what the result of the living with lydia audition was, tisha got the role. (: prouda that babe! (: -hugs her tightly.

MY TAMA, munch, had a baby today. i couldn't be a prouder great-grandmom. :D -skips around. i have a third generation tama! :D its name is jay, its a girl. (: though it almost died today because i slept from 1240-1820 and i just left it downstairs. :D i think someone will kill me if i let it die because she has DEVELOPED A LOVE FOR IT, hasn't she? -smiles sweetly.

OH, i had a really really funny conference call last night. actually there was nothing funny about it, i was just laughing my ass off at nothing. i think i'm going insane. (:

Only you can make this change in me,
for it's true, you are my destiny.
When you hold my hand,
I understand the magic that you do.
You're my dream come true,
my one and only you.
i'm sorry i've been so moody and moodswingy and just completely awful. ): you know i don't mean it right? i don't know what has gotten into me, but i think things are better now. i'm so sorry baby. -holds you tightly. i miss you. ): and i love you. (: though sometimes you probably don't think i do, but i really really do. (: i'm sorry i made you cry. it pains me to hear the way i talked to you yesterday. ): i'm sorry. i love you. (:

i'm sucha moodswinger. i don't know what has gotten into me. -growls.

REPLIES! finally. (:

TOREN hey angel (: all the best for prelims! (: don't have your phone no, so i didn't msg you. (: hope the papers have been fine. haha yeahh i won't listen to charissa. :D take care okay? love you!-mwahmwah

DADDY daddy, i miss mummy. ): no actually daddy, i miss drama. -bursts into tears. I DON'T WANNA GO! i want to be in next years SYF! -sniffles. i'm going to miss you dadddy. ): in fact, i already do. i love youuu!-mwahmwah

STEFFI meimei, i'm going to miss you tons too. (: hope you got the part you wanted! you did great yesterday by the way. (: we are the dickanusheads and we are prouda it aren't we? (: SC DRAMA ROCKS! (: yeahh. -kisskiss. -does the thrust. :D i love you!-mwahmwah

NANA how've you been? how were your papers? (: i miss you and korkor! ): are you going for thomas's birthday dinner tmrw? (: take care okay? love you!-mwahmwah

JESS man, i didn't get to meet you at all in sydney. -pouts. nevermind, you better go out with me in december, or i swear i'm going to chop your head into pieces. (: i love you sweetie!-mwahmwah

:( yes i am. ): don't wanna go! -pouts.

AUD my hubbyyy! (: its okay, don't cry, we'll have a drama party at my place after finals okay? -hops around. you know what? I HATE YOU! and you know what else? I NEVER WANNA TALK TO YOU AGAIN! haha ahhh hubby you rock my socks! (: i love youuuuuuu!-mwahmwah

- no,i just went to aussie to get a school, i'll be leaving in mid-jan. (:

ALICIA hey sweetie! no i'm not leaving yet, i'm leaving in midjan. WE HAVE TO GO OUT TOGETHER BEFORE I LEAVE! and this is an order. (: i miss you babe! -hug. i love you!-mwahmwah

JINGYUUU haha of course i'll remember youuu. (: haha i think i still look like a little boy when i wear a cap. (: thats why i don't wear caps! haha takecare!

CHAR*MEI -squeals with laughter! i love youuuuuu!!!!!!!! (: you make my school life so muchh better! my bitching partner, ex-sitting partner, my whining partner, my bimbo partner, my PE partner (who is rather weak. okay you are going to whack me again), my fakesick partner! (: yayy! i can't wait till finals end, we are going to go crazy, aren't we? :D wildwildwet, party, cycling and blahblahblahblah! :D haha yayy! i am the i in the i love youuu! -mwahmwah. EH LOOK! theres food! lets go seee!-dies of laughter.

man, i love my friends. :D -hugs all of them. i love you too. :D

insanity.

2004-09-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

i love you not today nor tommorow
but forever

HELLO! (: i'm back! okay, i have been back a long time already but i haven't got down to blogging. (: i've got a school in Sydney already, it is St Catherine's school for girls (or something like that) :D so i am going to sydney next year, unless the stupid Australian High Commission doesn't give me a student visa. they're giving me so much trouble. -throws a bomb at them. I HATE THEM. -growls. >:(

ANYWAY, on to more cheerful topics. school is certainly getting better. i don't know why, but it is. charmaine and i have fun being retarded and calling each other names, don't we char? (: and van and tish and i ALWAYS have fun talking about well.. the things we usually laugh about. :D like for example, tisha has bright, hot pink nipples and van has purple ones and i have green mouldy ones (for some strange reason). (: -sigh. i feel so high, its so unusual. :l and just now i was being cold. :l i'm weird. (: i feel weird. i feel like being weird. -hops around the room. i love my friends! -hugs all of them.

MY TAMAGOTCHI HAS A BABY! okay it had a baby a long time ago. its name was spyke, and then it died. now spyke's baby (munch) is going to have a baby. (: ah, i'm such a proud grandmother. i hope munch is doing fine. it is currently in the care of someone who has no love for it whatsoever. -bites that someone. (:

i will reply everyone soon. right now, i'm going off to talk on the phone and do my holiday homework which the teachers are chasing me for. (: -skips off.

All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,
And for us to be together, to never be apart.
No one else in the world can even compare,
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.
We have so much more than I ever thought we would,
I love you more than I ever thought I could.
I promise to give you all I have to give,
I'll do anything for you as long as I live.
In your eyes I see our present, our future and past,
By the way you look at me I know we will last.
I hope that one day you'll come to realize,
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.
-ashley broden
for you, you know who you are. :D i love you.

2004-09-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

im off. (:

2004-09-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

Twin! Hello. Yeah Kim here, blogging for her Twin. (: I hate you Twin, for leaving me here. But i guess i'm also happy for you lah, cos i know you're gonna enjoy the system there much more. But you'll have to put up with, ahem. (Yes we all know who, Twin.) Sigh, like i said in my blog, i don't know how i'm gonna send you off at the airport without shedding a bucketload of tears. ): Besides, how'm i gonna walk past your house everyday knowing that your room's empty and you're not there? No more going over every night. No more watching tv shows together. No more gourmet/sit at our hoho place escapades. Sigh, a few more months. Let's make the best of it, yes? -Hug.
*I'll never ever find myself another twin. Never. Cos' no one can ever EVER replace you. I love you twin. I'm gonna miss you SO SO much.

2004-08-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

i need you
more than anyone darling

today was NOT A GOOD DAY! NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT. in fact, it was a really really bad day and it isn't getting any better. (: isn't that fantastic? save me, please. its days like these that make me want to leave singapore as soon as possible. but then again i have really amazing days which make me not want to leave at all. take for example yesterday. i spent the day with my darling twin. (: we went to the HOBBIT spa(which is actually the body shop's green sanctuary). we called it the hobbit spa because it has these really really small chairs and really small teacups and a receptionist which speaks what i perceive to be hobbit language( actually its just really really bad english). i'm never going back there again. i wasted fortyfive dollars on a body scrub which made me feel even dirtier and even worse after the whole thing. i've been to other spas where their body scrubs are actually relaxing and soothing. went to eat at dome after that, i swear whenever i'm out now i eat like a glutton. read charmaines blog and you'll find out. (: went to take neoprints after that. haha we kissed again! for fun. (: only the coolest twins can do that. (: we are the coolest twins ever! (: -spins my twin around. went to borders after that to look for a book on australian schools, i didn't find any. anyway, to my TWIN* thank you for being my twin, don't know where i'd be without you. even though i'm going to australia, you'll still be with me because you are forever in my heart. (: i love you twin. very very very very very much. (: -bigkiss.

all the tears i've kept inside for so long finally escaped today. i've been on the verge of tears the whole day and there are actually times when i didn't try to control it. i don't know how much longer i can take all this. i have so much to say, but i won't say it here. i'll keep it to myself. (: i like my secrets.

sometimes i wonder why i bother. i'll reply you all another time. i am in no mood to blog. love. (:

2004-08-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

we'll fly through the falls and the summers
with love on our wings

my audition that yesterday was awful. ): i think i screwed up quite a bit, and the role was an extremely hard role to play. i don't want the role anyway, the role is this weird girl who lydia's son, jordan likes. picture wednesday addams? yes, that is the girl they want me to play. oh my goodness. if i get the part everyone will remember me as - the weird girl on living with lydia. -faints. tisha is going for the audition too. good luck girl! (: i hope you get it because i highly doubt i will. i love you. (:

anyhow, these few days have been rather hectic. school, study camp, drama, auditions, english oral. and everyone seems to be leaving drama. okay not everyone but MOST of the good actresses are leaving drama. we lost dan to DEBATE ): shihui to NJC and theyre going to lose me to SYDNEY. i don't know who else is leaving, but i think there are some more. ): -sigh. goodbye scgs drama standard. it is going to plunge even further. oh well, at least van tish and denise will still be there to hopefully maintain the standard. (: no SYF for me next year, how sad. english oral today was alright, i think my picture description sucked but my reading and conversation were okay. i PRAY AND PRAY that elaine lim gives me good marks. -crosses fingers. i highly doubt she is the most generous of teachers.

anyhow, i think it is almost confirmed that i will be going to sydney next year. i'll be in sydney mid-november to check out the schools. we're still waiting for a reply from Pymble Ladies College. this is what it looks like http://www.pymblelc.nsw.edu.au <-- this. (: jess goes there, don't you jess. (: yay i might be in the same school as you! if there is a vacancy that is. sorry wyn, i don't think i'll be going to melbourne. my mom says that the only two places in australia i can go are perth and sydney because we have relatives there to take care of me. :l and since perth is such a boring place, i'm going to sydney. its not really confirmed yet, but there is an extremely high chance that i'll be there.

i've got to study hard for finals, pass my sec three year so that at least when i go there i'll be in year ten. (: don't really want to go, i'll be leaving all my friends and family behind. i'll be leaving you* behind. ): -stomps about in circles. ahh well. i'll be back every holiday so i guess its okay. (:

HUAAA: haha toldja so! sc sucks sticks. (: boy am i glad i'll be leaving. ICKYPLACE! haha yeahh i know. no actually, i'm not strong. you are just really really light. (: love you -mwahmwah

NANA: haha don't worry my dear, i'm sure you'll do fine. haha yes he certainly is a big baby. a big baby who loves to be pampered by you. :D all the best dear, love you! -mwahmwah

JESS: paging for jesslyn ho. please call me asap, i need to talk to you about your school! haha okay. you better come out with me when you come back. then you can tell me all about your school! haha. love you -mwahmwah. and i miss you tons. ):

MUMMY: i'm going to miss you and daddy so much too. ): haha its okay mummy. MUMMY WHY YOU LEAVE US FOR DEBATE? ): haha its okay, i still love you.

RENEE: thank you my dear. i love you ALL too, whoever you all are. hahaha

DADDY: daddy! let me kiss you. hahaha -does the thrust action. sorry i cant help it if i have a DICKANUShead. ): haha. love you. -mwahmwah

ANON: thank you. (: thats so sweet. take care you, whoever you are. (: -mwahmwah

WYN: so adorable! haha. the blue shirt isn't that bad what. how many episodes are you in? my audition sucked, i screwed up. ): oh well. ): and i'll be in aussie! just not melbourne. :l i think i'm alright now. i will update you when i next see you online. (: things have been better. (: well kind of anyway. hope things for you are alright you sillypooty tvstar! take care LAOLAOLAOshifu. -sticks out tongue. I LIKE CALLING YOU LAO! :D -grin. no my MWAHMWAH is nicer! hoho! love ya! -MWAHMWAH! -guffaws. :D

a reminder to JESSLYN HO HUI JUN again. PLEASE CALL ME ASAP! (: thank you.

-
through the years as the fire starts to mellow
burning lines in the book of our lives
through the binding cracks and the pages start to yellow
i'll be in love with you
-

2004-08-24T05:54:00.000-07:00

i wish i could leave this town
and run forever

you bitches really enjoy making my school life a living hell don't you? (: aww well good for you, you've got what you wanted. you'll only have to bear with me till the end of the year, i'll be gone from the fucking school after that. (:

i hate my school, i hate my school, i hate my school, i hate my school. REN, i will REN until the end of the year. i will not, i repeat, WILL NOT stay another year in my fucking school. (: i can't wait till the end of this year.

JESS: hey sweetheart, thank you so much. i miss you like hell, come back come back. or maybe i'll go there! (: -bigkisses for you. :* i love you.

MUMMY: haha okay you can give me a sunflower. castings tomorrow. all the best sweetie. (: love ya -mwahmwah

DADDY (x: daddy i want a rose from you. (: hahaha all the best for castings too love. love ya!-mwahmwah

JUVE: yeah i know, i light up your life! :D you know you love me! love ya!-mwahmwah

AUD: who is Day In Day Out? :l all the best for castings! (: love ya!-mwahmwah

JEROME: thank you. (: take care you, stop carving things on your arm. (:

ANNA: okay thank you. (:

NANA: thank you nana! how are you? haha i didn't know you read my blog. yes aunty della IS disgusting but not as disgusting as DenysE. (: miss you. take care of korkor kay? haha love ya!-mwahmwah

RENEE: thank you dear! (: takecare alright? love.

AUD: i hate them, they suck. i hope a tree falls on them. (: inhuman assholes. (: probably aliens or something.

SAMANTHA: thank you dear. good luck for castings. i hardly see you act in drama! haha take care!

JERR: i miss the times we had too. i miss your laughter. i miss YOU. i wanna bitch to you. (: i love you. -mwahh :*

:): i'll try to be happy. thanks anyway. take care!

ALICIA (:: girl! i miss you. thank you. hahah (: its okay better late than never. take care. love ya!-mwahmwah

SHIHUI: awww does erzhi need to get you a new one? (:

WYN: tvstar! (: i'm gonna watch the drama serial i tell you. (: -grin. hahaha. we shall REN. ren ren ren. oh i might be going to UWC instead. don't know yet, i'll update you. hope you're fine. take care and thank you for all your advice and everything lao shi fu. haha sorry i don't know where that came from. :l i like my bimboticness! -grin. loveya -MWAHMWAH. doesn't MWAHMWAH sound better than -moomoo!- -.- hahahaha.

sick and tired of this world

there's no more air

tripping over myself, going nowhere

waiting, suffocating, no direction

2004-08-23T06:01:00.000-07:00

fuck all of you
you little bitches

this entry is going to be extremely bitchy and extremely angsty, so if your eyes can't bear to read my FLOWERY language, please click on that little cross at the top of this page, thank you. (:

firstly, i'd like to comment about this particular little sec one or sec two bitch. (: as i was having an extremely bad day, i saw tisha (my really really close friend) and i went to hug her and cry on her shoulder. just as i was doing so, the sec ones and sec twos got dismissed from assembly. this little sec one or sec two freak stood there and stared at us, copied my actions and started screaming "les". OH MY GOODNESS, i swear that irritated the fucking hell out of me. like hello sweetie, have you not seen two friends hug before? obviously not you deprived little ass. i'd like to shove a picture of real lesbians in your face, since you obviously do not know what lesbians are, do you? i'd very much like to stuff a durian up your vagina because you made my already fucked up day EVEN MORE FUCKED UP. beware you little bitch, you are totally going to get it the next time i see you. as much as i would like NOT TO waste my energy bitching about you and getting angry with you, i simply cannot help it. i don't even know why God wasted his precious time inventing little retards like you, wasting brains and organs on you. oh wait, i forgot, WHAT FUCKING BRAINS? obviously you have none. i would like to slash your already distorted face into little bits. leave it lying on the ground to decompose. (: oh wait i forgot, i bet you already are rotting aren't you? (: you fucking STUPID LITTLE RETARD.

next i'd like to blog about a FORMER friend of mine who's name i shall not disclose. (: thank you so very much for spreading rumours about me and someone with your fucking disgustingly HUGE MOUTH. i hate you, you know that. i don't know why i ever trusted you with my phone. fucking little bitch. i hope you get banged down by a car, seriously. actually, i don't have to worry, i'm sure fucking little bitchy big mouth sluts like you will get your just desserts yes.

i'm having a fucking bad day, please do not agitate me further. (: thank you very much.

2004-08-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

like heaven on earth
when i look in your eyes

some people seriously irritate the hell out of me. some people who's name starts with a d and ends with an e. my goodness, she is the worlds most irritating little sec one weirdo. firstly, that i-know-everything little bitch tried to take charge of OUR play, i repeat OURS. OURS meaning the sec threes. like who the hell does she think she is, acting all big and mighty. hate to break it to you sweetie, but you are a SMALL little NOBODY. (okay maybe not SMALL hahaha) then she thinks i'm her maid. 'ooh can you deliver the script to my class'. FUCK YOU little bitch, i am NOT your freaking maid. i am your SENIOR so please remember that. >:( stupid bitch, pisses me off really badly i tell you. (: anyhow i shan't waste my blog space on her.

got to rush off to open house soon. :l memorised like half of my lines. :l oh well, i suppose it'll be fun. :D birthday dinner at my place with the family tonight. i'll finally get to talk to my korkor. i have so much to tell him. (: still don't know what to do for my birthday tmrw. ): gahh, i'll figure it out i suppose. (:

i love char and tish cos they make school fun and totally bearable. :D my little girls. (: -mwahmwah.

but you, you little whore. (: keep away. i hate you. i hope a tree falls on your head. (: don't make me stuff a coconut up your -------. (: but its probably damn loose already so you won't be able to feel it, right you little slut. KEEP AWAY, i'm warning you.

AUD: i told you, khong bee is mine mine mine, go away. (: haha no i'm kidding, fine you can have my khong, i shall have shihui. (: i want/need shihui! now you can have your khong aud. (: haha. but i still love you.

JERR: yes i can tell you are bored. (: i miss you i miss you, and i need to bitch to you. i'm itching to bitch. i haven't got enough yet. (: HAHA. i love you jerrrr dadddyyy.

SHIHUI: dickson want/needs you too. -makes smoochy sounds. i love you. (:

ROMEO: who are you, i'm not gonna be your juliet if i don't know who you are! (: hahaha

WYN: WHEN is WYN coming back? hahah sorry, i think i'm on a sugar high. anyway, i have things to tell you wynnie tay! if you don't come online soon i shall email you. :D stranglystrangle! wow i'm so scared. (: hoho, do hope you're feeling better. haha yay two love letters! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME! -big grin. :D hoho. okay i have to get my ass into the shower and off to school. :D tata TVSTAR. love ya! -mwahmwah my bimbo sign. :D

-
let's take our time
love won't run dry
if you hold me, believe me
i'll never, never ever leave
-

2004-08-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

no one needs you
more than i need you

i learnt something during bio today! (: miss chiam was talking about sebaceous glands or something, and i asked her which are the moodswing-causing hormones. (: the hormone is ESTROGEN. (: i have ALOT of estrogen in my body. :D yes yes i do i do! (: my moods are like this (: to this ): to >:( to :'( to (: and to :D. right now, i don't know how i'm feeling. its a mixture of (: and ): and >:(. boy, am i a complicated girl. (: HAHA. anyhow, school passed rather quickly today considering i was absorbed in my book 'i like it like that' - the fifth gossip girl novel which i have been dying to read since they announced there was going to be a fifth book. (: smellybellywelly bought it for me, thank you smellybellywellypellypoo! -mwahhhh. I LOVE YOU! charmaine read my diary again. haha then we had another chat, i love that girl i tell you, she makes my school life actually bearable. (: stayed back for another pointless session of study camp where i hid under the table, wrote in my diary, went down and talked to charissajie (we had a much needed talk), got caught using my iPod and where ~~i cried.~~ frankly, i don't know what has gotten into me. i seem to be on the verge of tears all the time, the slightest thing can set my tear ducts off. >:( which sucks majorly by the way. -sigh. guess i've been thinking too much again.

i should try not to assume things so readily, as they say 'when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME'. (: i hate myself for thinking so much sometimes. i read too much into things and often misinterpret them by doing so. :l oh well. my bad. ): but really, you can't blame me for misinterpreting your actions can you? (:

SAM: haha yeah i agree with you, looks like ANON has finally decided to do something with his/her time. (: i loveX youX. hahaha.

JERR: haha yes, anon is sucha loser. (: i miss youuuu! ): i love youuu too! -mwahmwah

AUD: i told you, you can't marry khong bee because.... SHES MINE! (:

WYN: haha don't want! the picture is what makes my blog look nice! i'm not doing well. ): rahhhh. i think you know why, right? haha oh well wyn! ): shit happens. >:( oh by the way, i wrote your testimonial already. haha i still can't believe you called me braces girl. -.- take care ermm. ~~tvstar~~? -zips mouth shut and prepares to run and hide. :D

-
and i will love you baby always
and i'll be there forever and a day always
if you told me to cry for you i could
if you told me to die for you i would
-

2004-08-17T06:05:00.000-07:00

ask if this heart beats true for you
and i'll show you a truer heart could never be

GO AWAY, SHOO SMELLY GIRLS! >:( mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. smelly girls, go eat yourself. GO AWAY AWAY AWAY. mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine, all MINE. (:

DREA: yes my other naggy mommy. i'll TRY to study at study group, but if you know me, you'll know that i'm someone who has like ZERO SELF DISCIPLINE! (: so there. i'll do my best not to let my mommy down anymore. i miss you. ): i love you mommy! -mwah

ZEL: its i wanna grow old with you by westlife. (: yeah, the lyrics are damn sweet. oh by the way, i still want your password my dear! i miss you ): takecare love. (: -mwah

WYN: hello (: i tagged your chatterbox too! haha. (: takecare dearie. -hug.

2004-08-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

living in a world so cold
you are there to warm my soul

today was yet another horrid day at school. I HATE SCHOOL. (: i know i've mentioned it many times already, but i really do. one day, i'll burn the damn school down. (: charmaine is going to help me, isn't she? i had to stay back for study camp today. i think it is just a waste of our time, like seriously. firstly, there aren't any teachers there to watch us so everybody is just chatting, joking around and doing everything except studying. secondly, i don't see the point of having teacher mentors when they aren't even mentoring us in the first place. basically, i have better things to do with my time. and can you imagine staying back everyday until five to do NOTHING. (: doesn't that sound like a waste of time to you? ugh. i wonder who's fucking idea it was to make us stay back to 'study', i'm going to cook that person. >:( gahh, today just so wasn't my day. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT. >:( but thank God for charmaine and tisha and some other people, they make my day bearable. (: i love you girls.

i'm paranoid
paranoid
paranoid
paranoid
paranoid
and i don't like it one bit. >:( nuh-uh. -bites.

BISCUITFACE: hey sweetie, thanks for that really long entry in my guestbook. (: haha. i'm suffering from a case of severe hormonal imbalance you see. (: yes i am! sometimes i have happy hormones, sometimes i have sad hormones (i have more sad hormones than any other hormone). yeah. (: but i'll survive, don't worry. i'm a strong girl. i survived alot of things! :D -skips around. don't worry hun, i'll be fine. we've drifted ): but i still care alot about you alright? and my elf ears are always open for YOUR BITCHING/RANTING/WHATEVER. (: i love you loads! -mwah

ANON: haha hello there, i see we have a judy hater who obviously failed english because you sure can't spell SUCKS for nuts sweetie. (: take care. and by the way, get a life. (:

-JSPYKE: haha righhht. (: thanks you two. take care too. i love you spyke! (: -bighug to you J (: haha

-
if only you knew how much i do,
do love you, oh.
if only you knew,
how much i do,
do need you.
-

2004-08-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry
i can't be perfect

Dear Mommy,
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, I'm sorry I put you through such heartache and agony. When I look back at all the things I've done to cause you pain, I sincerely regret it. I hate myself, I hate myself for causing you so much pain, I hate myself for making you cry at night. You think I don't know, but I do. I'm sorry. Somehow it never hurt that much, until I heard you talking on the phone with Kaima. I know I've let you down and you are at your wits end already. I know I'm not the best daughter in the world. But even though I don't tell you this very often or even though I don't show it in my actions, I love you mommy. I really really really do. When I did all those things I did, I never meant to hurt you. I know you love me alot, and you've done more for me than anyone ever has. I'm sorry I never really repaid your love for me. All my sorrys aren't enough. You'll probably never read this anyway. But right now I feel like the worst daughter in the world, after hearing all you've said. I don't deserve you. I never will be a good enough daughter, but I'll try anyway. I love you, I always will.

you have no idea, how much i hate myself right now.

2004-08-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

no one can take
the place of my no. one girl

i came back from that fucking hellhole early! (: have i ever mentioned, how damn much i hate school? well let me say it again, I HATE SCHOOL. (: charmaine and i went home together. that caused my mom to wonder whether i really was sick or not. (: so we quarrelled in the car. (: everybody go hurray! (: so i went to my room and slept. did some bio first though. i am a good girl, am i not. (: now my mommy really thinks im constipated because thats what i told them i was. she's making me drink prune juice (which tastes really awful). my my, what a wonderful day.

i wish they would just send me away. i hate singapore, i hate my stupid fucking school especially now that they imposed that stupid fucking study camp. (: EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE. i'm not in a good mood right now. (:

-J: thanks (: hurry tell me who you are, i want to know. (:

JOAN: its no problem sweetie, just remember i'm always here for you alright? take care and don't bother about that andy motherfucker, he/she is just being a goddamn ass. andy will get his/her retribution alright sweets? i love you, cheer up. (: -hug

MUMMY: yayy i love you both loads too. (: yes i know, she's so small i can stomp on her and squash her into tiny bits. actually i don't think she is that bad. (: dickson loves mommy and daddy! (: -mwahh. dickson hates denyse to bits though HAHA. (:

AUD: sorry sweetie, i think shes already taken. a good catch though, don't you think. HAHAHA. (: love you.

-
she's falling down
she wants to drown
within your heart
she'll never part
she's falling down
-

2004-08-15T05:10:00.000-07:00

you are my world
my everything

another day without your smile
another day just passes by
but now i know how much it means
another day just passes by

for you to stay right here with me
the time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
but it hurts so bad i can't take it any longer
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna die lying in your arms
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna be looking in your eyes
i wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
i wanna grow old with you
a thousand miles between us now
it causes me to wonder how
our love tonight remains so strong
it makes our risk right all along
the time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
but it hurt so bad i can't take it any longer
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna die lying in your arms
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna be looking in your eyes
i wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
i wanna grow old with you
things can come and go
i know but
baby i believe
something's burning strong between us
makes it clear to me
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna die lying in your arms
i wanna grow old with you
i wanna be looking in your eyes
i wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do
i wanna grow old with you
-

2004-08-12T02:59:00.000-07:00

and i promise you
that you will never be replaced

today was a BADBADBAD day. >:( factors that contributed to my already fucked up week,
1. charmaine and i got separated.
2. my teacher mentor is khong bee
3. i got ZERO for an amath class test
4. i didn't get to eat lunch thanks to laoshi
5. my acting sucked today
6. IM A GREENEYEDMONSTER >:(
7. i just found out that i have to stay back EVERYDAY after school to study and i have to come back during september holidays to STUDY with khong. (:
there are many more, but i can't really remember them now. either that i don't want to post it, but yes. everything is so incredibly fucked. (: i hate school, i really really do. but some people make it almost bearable, people like charmaine, but i'm not sitting with her now am i. i'm sitting with xinfang. HOHO. (:

BUNKEYTWIN*: congrats on getting a B3 for your o level chinese. (: you must be very happy. i'm very prouda you. i love you.

SAMANTHA: heyy, thanks. (: i tagged your board. take care. loves.

DADDY: (: yay thanks daddy! i love love love you too. -mwahh.

SHIHUI: okay i just realised that i replied you already but oh well, DICKSON LOVES YOU. you are my mistress, but just don't tell dixie okay? she gets very jealous. (: thats why i had to ~~unhook her bra~~ to make her happier. (: GET IT ON BABY.

ZHI: hahaha yes i know. (: sometimes empty headed people just might surprise you, yes? (:

i remember you told me this song makes you cry, well i listened to it today and i cried. i cried because everything is so different now, we've drifted and i miss you terribly. -sigh. oh well, this song is for you, twin.

-
when you're the best of friends,
having so much fun together,
you're not even aware you're such a funny pair,
you're the best of friends.
life's a happy game,
you could clown around for ever,
neither one of you sees your natural boundaries,
life's one happy game.
if only the world wouldn't get in your way,
if only people would just let you play,
they'd say you're both being fools,
you're breaking all the rules,
they can't understand,
the magic of your wonderland.
when you're the best of friends,
sharing all that you discover,
when these moments have passed,
will that friendship last?
who can't say there's a way?
oh i hope,
i hope it never ends,
cause you're the best of friends.
-

2004-08-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

and i dont think
that my heart can take much more

everything is SO fucked up.
(:
have i ever mentioned
that there are really really really really weird people on friendster?
well now i have.
like get a life already.
(:
fuck off.

2004-08-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

and i know
i never will be good enough for her

i'm not okay. >:( a gazillion thoughts have been running through my head since last night, and they have not stopped. i thought back to Adam Khoo's camp, when we were made to write letters to ourselves. i made so many promises to myself, and i doubt i've even kept a single one. i think i even became worse, harmed myself even more, hurt myself. when you were talking about being charitable and everything, i thought 'hey, i used to be like that'. now look at me, i've become an angst-filled, horrid bitch. yes, and i mean BITCH in a bad way. i used to donate to every busker i saw, even if i was really low on cash. now i hardly give them a second look. i used to be really sweet and nice to sales people no matter what, now it just depends on my mood. last time, even if people pissed me off or offended me, i wouldn't show my unhappiness. now when people piss me off or offend me, everybody would know about it. >:( what happened to me? where did that sweet, nice judy go to? probably gone in hiding. today however, i remembered to be nice to people, i was extra nice to the cab driver and the brownie seller. but now, even being nice is tiring. i can't even be sincere. WHY AM I SUCH A BITCH? i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i guess you can say i've been doing some soul searching, and i really really hate what i see. i detest it, i'm disgusted with myself. i really don't know what you ever saw in me. i want to change, i need to change. i must be a nicer person, a SINCERELY nice person. how i am going to do that, i don't know, but i will try.

isn't it strange, how people go from being bestfriends to enemies, enemies to best friends, good friends to acquaintances, acquaintances to good friends, lovers to strangers, strangers to lovers. you get the idea. i've drifted with so many people, and i don't like it. i really must do something about all this. its really getting to me. why must everything be so complicated, can't we just all be friends or lovers without people interferring, with no strings attached? oh well, at the end of the day, i guess you know who your true friends/people who really love you are, the people who were there for you no matter what, the people who've stood by you at the lowest point in your life, the people who have cared for you even if you have drifted.

this is so pointless, its stupid rambling coming from a person with an empty head. (: HAHA.

AUDREY: yes dickson rocks. he rocks you. (: -makes smoochy sounds. see you tmrw sexy. (:

-
i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt you
it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why i need you to hear
i've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
-

2004-08-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

you are the only light i see
your love means everything to me

i think its high time i replied everyone in my guestbook and my haloscan comment box, so here goes. (:

-J: i don't know who you are, but thanks for your advice and encouragement, i really appreciate it. (: take care alright? -hug

ANONYMOUS: thanks for all your words of encouragement and all the sweet things you said. (: i still want to know who you are though, tell me tell me tell me! -pouts. (: anyhow, take care. love.

STEFFI: dickson loves steffi too. (: -makes smoochy sounds. SEXYYY baby! wanna ride with me. :D

DADDY (x: erzhi loves you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever too!

AUDREY: (: i'm smiling now. whenever you are feeling down, just think of DICKSON and how he wants you so badly even though he has a girlfriend named dixie and a boyfriend named jeremiah. -WINKS. dickson loves you. (:

ZHI: what what what whaaat whaat whaat. ): its getting old, we must think of a new more retarded thing. :D

SHIYING: hey dear, thanks for writing me that letter. >:l i know we haven't been talking much, we've drifted apart. :( -sigh. no matter what i'm still here and i still love you and care for you just as much okay? i miss you. -mwah

JES: haha well, i don't have all the pieces but i think its slowly getting sewed back. (: thanks anyway, help me find my missing pieces? love you. (: -mwah

MEL: DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whassaaaaaaaaaaap! (:

MUMMY: who asked you guys to invite her to AC superstar? :D -laughs evilly. oh man, now shes going to cling to you like an annoying leech. i hate to say this but, I TOLD YOU SO. hahahaha. don't worry, erzhi is always here to help you all get rid of the bimbotic disgusting DENYSE. hopefully she isn't reading this, but if she is, hi denyse! you are disgusting. :D love you mummy!

ZEL: i'll have to wait until i see you online. i think i'm going to password lock my blog too. (: hoho. i miss youuu, and i miss cat days! >:(

BUNKEYTWIN*: dear twin, i know we haven't really been talking and hanging out much, and i just wanted you to know that i miss you alot. i hope you've cheered up and i just want to remind you i'm always always here for you okay? if you ever leave me, i'll be sad and blue,don't you ever leave me, i'm so in love with you.the birds in the sky would be sad and lonely,if they knew that i lost my one and only,they'd be sad, if you're bad to me. (: doesn't this bring back pleasant memories? we'll go shopping one day soon alright? i love you twin, i always will. -mwahhh

GREENFACE: you should know who you are, thanks for a wonderful day today. (: i is loving you plenty my silly billy nilly dilly greenfacemonster. :D -mwahh

jennet sent me an e-card, that girl is so sweet. (: -hugs her. speaking of ecards, i better be going, email time. (:

-
and thinking about it
i want things back
how they used to be
cause there's no way around it
nothing good comes easily
-

2004-08-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

i was bored! (:

What time are you starting this?:	1404
Name?:	judy
Nicknames?:	jude, ju, juju,many many more. (:
Date of birth?:	220889
Sex?:	female (:
Height?:	160+
Eye color?:	brownish black?
Where were you born?:	singapore mount elizabeth hospital
Number of candles on your last birthday cake?:	four
Pets?:	don't have any
Hair color?:	black in the dark, reddish black in the sun
Piercings?:	ears
Town you live in?:	singapore
Favorite foods?:	I HAVE ALOT. (: call me a glutton if you wish
Ever been to Africa?:	not yet
Been toilet papering?:	nope, i'm a good girl
Love someone so much it made you cry?:	YES.
Been in a car accident?:	yes, with waichoo when i was three ):
Croutons or bacon bits?:	croutons
Favorite day of the week?:	weekends definitely. or days where i get to spend time with YOU (:
Favorite resturant?:	inagiku and lawrys
Favorite flower?:	roses, sunflowers (:
Favorite sport to watch?:	cheerleading
Favorite drink?:	apple aloe and currently, milk tea
Favorite ice cream flavor?:	rum and raisin
Warner Bros. or Disney?:	DISNEY
Favorite fast food restuarant?:	macdonalds
Carpet color in your bedroom?:	i don't have a carpet
How many times did you fail your driver's test?:	i haven't even TAKEN it
Whom did you get your last email from?:	twin
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?:	barneys in new york (:
What do you do most often when you are bored?:	different things, i'm not sure.
Most annoying thing to say to me?:	hahaha too many (:
Bedtime?:	not fixed
Favorite TV show?:	the O.C
Last person you went out to dinner with?::	my mom
Been out of country?:	yeah duh
Believe in magick?:	no
Ford or Chevy?:	chevy
What are you listening to right now?:	i can love you like that- all for one and sams voice -roars
Have you ever failed a grade?:	no
If you have, what grade did you fail?:	it will be this year. (: i think
Do you have a crush on someone?:	is loving your ex counted as a crush
Do you have a bf/gf?:	no ):
If so, what is their name?:	-
How long have you been together?:	-
What are you wearing right now?:	my dad's shirt and running shorts (:
Would you have sex before marriage?:	nope
Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?:	HAHAHA he wasn't really a teacher,he was an outside instructor.
Are you a virgin?:	yes i am (:
Do you smoke?:	not anymore
Do you drink?:	sometimes, but i'm a really bad drinker
Are you ghetto?:	whats that?
Are you a player?:	no i'm not
What are your favorite colors?:	PINK! black, white, silver
What is your favorite animal?:	cows! :D
Do you have any birthmarks?:	yeah ): -pfft
Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?:	yeah kinda i guess
Who do you talk to most on the phone?:	either sam or cow, i'm not sure (:
Have you ever been slapped?:	playfully yes, oh and by my mom
Do you get online a lot?:	yes
Are you shy or outgoing?:	outgoing (:
Do you shower?:	DUH, who doesn't. what a stupid question
Do you hate school?:	who doesnt (:
Do you have a social life?:	i don't think so.
How easily do you trust people?:	not very easily
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?:	don't think so
Would you ever sky dive?:	yes
Do you like to dance?:	yes
Have you ever been out of state?:	yes
Do you like to travel?:	yes but i hate the plane rides, and missing people back home
Have you ever been expelled from school?:	no
Have you ever been suspended from school?:	no
Do you want to get out of your hometown?:	yes
Are you spoiled?:	yes
Are you a brat?:	yes sometimes
Have you ever been dumped?:	YES ):
Have you ever gotten high?:	all the time
Do you like snapple?:	yes
Do you drink a lot of water?:	no, i don't like water
What toothpaste do you use?:	colgate whitening toothpaste
Do you have a cell phone?:	yes
Do you have a curfew?:	yes
Who do you look up to?:	hmmm i'm not sure. (: guess i don't look up to anyone
Are you a role model?:	NO WAY
Have you ever been to Six Flags or Cedar Point?:	whaaat
What name brand do you wear the most?:	i don't know, it varies, levis maybe
What kind of jewelry do you wear?:	necklace, rings
What do you want pierced?:	belly
Do you like takin pictures?:	yeah, narcissist me (:
Do you like gettin your picture taken?:	depends
Do you have a tan?:	yeah i guess
Do you get annoyed easily?:	sometimes, when i'm PMSING
Have you ever started a rumor?:	don't think so
Do you have your own phone or phone line?:	i have a handphone! does that count
Do you have your own pool?:	yes
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?:	boxers
Do you have any siblings?:	unfortunately, no
Have you ever been played?:	maybe
Have you ever played anyone?:	nope
Do you get along with your parents?:	sometimes
How do you vent your anger?:	i have my ways (:
Have you ever ran away?:	no but i've considered it many times
Have you ever been fired from a job?:	never had a job
Do you even have a job?:	no i don't (:
Do you daydream a lot?:	yes
Do you have a lot of ex's?:	no, but i do have a few
Do you run your mouth?:	i guess i do
What do you want a tattoo of?:	someones name and a fairy
What do you have a tattoo of?:	nothing ):
What does your ex bf/gf look like?:	she is beautiful (:
What does your most recent crush look like?:	shes my ex-gf so i'd say shes beautiful (:
Whats her/his name?:	:D
Have you ever been bitched out?:	yes
Are you rude?:	sometimes
What was the last compliment you recieved?:	that i'm beautiful
Do you like getting dirty?:	no,sometimes (: dirty literally.. right?
Are you flexiable?:	i guess so
What is your heritage?:	chinese?
What is your lucky number?:	i don't know
What does your hair look like right now?:	like it always looks
Could you ever be a vegetarian?:	NO WAY, i love beef too much
Describe your looks?:	whaat. im ugly? (:
If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?:	reddish-black?
Would you ever date someone younger than you?:	depends
Would you ever date someone older than you?:	yeah i've dated
When was the last time you were drunk?:	last last saturday
How many rings until you answer the phone?:	depends
Have you ever been skinny dipping?:	yes (:
If yes, when was the last time?:	when i was really really really really young
When was the last time you went on a date?:	sometime ago
Do you look more like your mother or father?:	neither
Do you cry a lot?:	yeah, crybaby
Do you ever cry to get your way?:	with my parents (:
What phrase do you use most when on the phone?:	yeah
Are you the romantic type?:	yes (:
Have you ever been chased by cops?:	nope, not chased
What do you like most about your body?:	nothing
What do you like least about your body?:	everything
When did you have your first crush?:	in kindergarten (:
When was the last time you threw up?:	last week
In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?:	brunettes
Do you ever wear shirts do show your belly?:	sometimes
What about cleavage?:	whaaaaat cleavage (:
Is your best friend a virgin?:	mmhmm :D
Have you ever fucked someone up?:	what do you mean fucked someone up?
Have you ever been fucked up?:	hahaha weird question, i don't understand it
What theme does your room have?:	no theme
What size show do you wear?:	size show?????
What is your screen name on AIM?:	-
How are you feeling right now?:	i'm bored
When was the last time you were at a party?:	long time ago
Have you ever given a lapdance?:	NO
Have you ever recieved one?:	NO
Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?:	yes
What is one of your bad qualilties?:	im spoilt
What is one of your good qualilties?:	i love alot (:
Would you marry for money?:	no way
What do you drive?:	i drive nothing
Are you more of a mommys or daddys child?:	mommy
So?:
Well?:
When was the last time you cried in school?:	can't remember
Would you ever hook up with the same sex?:	haha yeah duhh i already did
What kind of music do you like?:	i don't know. it varies
Would you ever bungee jump?:	i already did
What is your worst fear?:	losing people i really really love
Would you ever join the army?:	NO WAY
Do you like cows?:	like DUH I LOVE COWS
If you were to die today, what would you do?:	i would spend time with my favourite people on earth (:
If you had one last word to say to someone before you die, what would it b?:	who is the someone. if it is you* i would tell you i love you
Do you like to party?:	yeah
Hearts or broken hearts?:	hearts
Moons or stars?:	stars
Coke or pepsi?:	coke
Favorite scent?:	too many
Favorite band?:	don't have one
Would you ever dye your hair red?:	maybe
How many languages can you speak?:	one, but i learn two
What time are you finishing this?:	1438

Long Survey About Yourself brought to you by BZOINK!

2004-08-05T05:05:00.000-07:00

all this angst pent up inside me,

~~i'm about to breakdown.~~

2004-08-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you i don't miss you

i do ):

2004-08-01T03:02:00.000-07:00

and i miss you like crazy
even more than words can say

had a great afternoon today, i finally got out of bed and out of the tv couch. (: went to my aunt's place for my baby niece's first month celebration. she is so precious! (: she was sleeping in my arms half the time and the other half of the time she was drinking milk. i think babies have it good, they don't have to do anything, just cry and all the attention will be on them. furthermore, they are extremely pampered and they don't have to walk or anything. they also don't have retarded thoughts going around in their heads and they don't have memories and what not, they don't have to deal with the pain of heartbreaks and all. >:l lucky ducks. -grumbles. oh well. what i would do to be a baby again. (: anyway, after the lunch i headed to Holland V to meet my cowww! (: realised that i forgot to ask my mom for money so i was broke. :l -growls.went to Starbucks to grab drinks and talk, i tried her caramel frap and i realised it was quite nice. (: that girl has introduced me to so many nice new things, i have to thank her really. haha. we got to try their new drink (i forgot what is called -citrus caffe? i'm not sure) for free. anyway, i fell in love with the stupid lemon stick they put inside so she went to ask them where to buy it and they didnt know but they sneaked me two. isn't that awfully sweet of them. :D people are nice if you are nice to them. well some anyway. (: talked for quite a bit, we were like racking our brains of what to do for my birthday, but we couldn't think of anything. :l OH and she made me try kettle chips! (: the honey dijon one and BOY was it good. (: so we went to the supermarket, walked around a bit, met my mom there and i bought three packets. :D yes i know, i'm a glutton. headed home after that. (: so that was my afternoon. sounds rather boring i know, but i had a greaaaaat time. (:

i have to find things to do that will occupy myself, because whenever i'm alone, and not doing anything, thoughts about us, memories, songs will just flood my mind. and its awful. its excruciating. -frowns. sometimes i wonder, whether you are going through the same thing. i hope you aren't, because its really really painful and it sucks majorly. i miss you, i know i shouldn't, but i do. ): -sigh

you're in my mind all the time
my thoughts are always of you
there are so many things that we promised
each other, that we would do
but since you went away, my heart
has been in so much pain
it seems that everything we've been through
has been in vain
-

-J: thanks for your advice. yeah maybe you are right, i'll get through this. i will. :l take care too. thank you. (:

NANA: hey dearie (: i'm feeling better, not feeling so sickly and all anymore. (: i'll try to smile more. takecare too, and takecare of korkor. :D or does he takecare of you? hahaha. love ya! -mwahmwah.

ANONYMOUS: hey, thanks for all your sweet words and all. :D i really appreciate it. (who are you by the way) anyway, takecare. love ya!-mwahmwah

2004-07-31T03:53:00.000-07:00

baby i'll let you go
though i love you so

I'M BACK! (: missed me anyone? i don't have much to blog about because i'm perpetually at home either sleeping, watching tv or puking my guts out. :D yes i know, how fun. anyway, i shall get on to replies! (:

JUSHERE: hey, i won't say goodbye, not so soon anyway. i've learnt one thing from this experience and that is not to invite death, it'll come anyway. thanks though. i'll take care of myself. you take care too alright? -hugs.

TOREN: hey, i'm better now. still sad, but in time, i'll be alright i guess. (: takecare alright? love ya! -mwahmwah.

JOAN: (: thanks. takecare okay. -hugs.

HUAAA: hey darling. haha don't worry, i won't. suffered alot :l yuck. i'm sure you could tell when i went back to school that day right? anyway, takecare. love you! -mwahmwah

ANONYMOUS: thank you. (: that was really touching. yeah, like i said before, i won't say goodbye so soon, don't worry. really appreciate what you said. (: love ya!-mwahmwah.

JESSLYN: hey babe, its okay. no one could help me anyway. i guess the only way is to get out of this shit myself. (: so yeah, not to worry, i'll be alright. thanks though. love ya!-mwahmwah.

JERR: haha yeah i was smiling like an idiot when i read all the sweet things everyone said. (: yeah i'm feeling a tad better, not puking so much now. haha sorry for making you and jess worry, i think you guys weren't the only ones i worried. :l takecare. love ya!-mwahmwah.

CHARLENE: heyy, sorry i didn't say much to you on friday, i was on the verge of puking you see. thanks. (: takecare. love ya!-mwahmwah

sometimes i think i'm okay, then i realise i'm not because that stupid aching feeling in my heart never goes away. but i'm glad for you, you seem happier now. somehow the memories remain in my head, they never leave me alone. i wish they'd just leave me alone for one second. do you know how awful this feels? ~~i miss you so much, i miss you so damn much.~~ ah damnit, shut up already. ):

to all the people who came to visit me or showed their concern in one way or another, thank you. (: it really means alot to me. i love you all. -mwahmwah.

-
tell, tell me it isn't so
you say you have your reasons for leaving
you have to go
i watch you turn, turn and walk away
i'm searching for the right words to say
hoping and praying you'd stay
so i'll kiss your love goodbye
i guess it wasn't meant to be
i gave my all, you've tried
and now i see
the love caught my eye
i went blind
and now it makes me cry
the only thing i can do is kiss your love goodbye
why, why do i look deep inside
to find where i went wrong girl
cause after all, you'll still be gone
oh, how i've tried,though i gave my best to you
you were determined to leave
and there's nothing i can do
guess that some of my dreams won't come true
so i'll kiss your love goodbye
i guess it wasn't meant to be
i gave my all, you've tried
and now i see
the love caught my eye,
i went blind
and now it makes me cry
the only thing i can do is kiss your love goodbye
i won't ask you why
give me back my pride
cause time will mend the heart that you've broken
baby, i'll let you go
though i love you so
i'll find a way to kiss your love goodbye

i'm wasting my time, she'll never be mine.

2004-07-26T05:13:00.000-07:00

its over and done
but the heartache lives on inside

i'm starting to feel like nobody really understands anymore. everyone thinks that what i'm going through is nothing. well its not okay. and i can't take it anymore. i need a break, i need a long long break from all of this. and i'm desperate okay. desperate for that fucking break. i've made up my mind, nothing is going to stop me. so i'm sorry.

i'm going to school tomorrow, because i promised vtay i would. i need my break. I NEED A FUCKING BREAK. -screams. its okay, i'll get it soon enough. (:

STEFFI: haha thanks, but i don't think i was very good. it was just funny, but my acting sucked cos i couldn't think of anything until patricia came. :l eeps. anyhow,love ya. (: -mwahhmwahh

ZEL: haha yes i know, i suck. (:

SAMUEL: yo bitch, i want my book. hurry give it back. ahh whatever! you KNOW i can't drink for nuts.anyway, takecare. still with rozanne are you?

AUDREY: haha no i didn't rock. (: i stoned. shit thats lame. haha thats cool, next time i'll get drunk on green tea with you too okay. (: love ya!-mwahmwah

goodbye people.

2004-07-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

please forgive me
i cant stop loving you

i had a rather good day yesterday. (: with the exception of a few things.
1. something completely embarrassing happened to me at PS
2. i got really really really drunk and started doing retarded things
3. because of saying things in my drunken stupor you arent talking to me now

went for my mom's birthday lunch and i saw my new baby niece, veronica. she is so damn adorable except for the part when she tried to suck my arm because she was hungry. (: and i saw vanessa (veronica's sister) who everyone says is a mini-me. HEY! i wasn't THAT vain or spoilt, was i? :l anyway, my parents dropped my cousin and my god-daughter in town and i carried her all the way from far-east to tangs and BOY is she heavy, my arms still hurt. :l went to Lido and because the queue for movies was so damn long, headed to PS instead. ended up not watching the movie because all the movie times were screwed. walked around PS and bought a really nice top which i wore immediately because i didn't like the top i was wearing. watched some really gay freaks dance Parapara in horror and then COW came. (: movie times sucked so we headed to some place and waited for blue stars to appear. it was too bright so we just sat at the cafe and talked until the blue stars appeared. it was really really pretty. (: rushed off to great world to watch Ella Enchanted. (: its a really really good movie, everyone should catch it. (: one of judy's must sees! ate nachos with EXTRA CHEESE and we were dropping the cheese everywhere! :l after the movie, we went to coldstorage and bought barcardi breezer (peach and lime) and e33 for twin. (: headed back to my house in a bus! (: drank in my room. thank God we were in my room otherwise consequences of me being drunk might have not been so pretty. all i can remember was that i went into the shower with my clothes on and turned on the tap and bathed myself in cold water. :l and i was messaging(with alot of typo errors) and calling people. (someone rather). and then me and twin pretended that each other was each others lover and we hugged and everything. i don't think we kissed, thank God. that would just be really really strange. :l yes yes, in a state of drunken stupor after only one bottle of BARCARDI BREEZER, yes i KNOW i suck. (:

had tuition this morning, could hardly wake up because my head was throbbing and i had a rather bad hangover. OH WELL. (:

PASSERBYY: yes i'm crooked. got a problem with that? (:

COW: (: cowwieeee! thanks for a great time yesterday and thanks for bringing me to see the blue stars. (: one day we'll go there when its darker. haha. sorry you had to see me in my retarded state of drunken-ness and yes i know, i've topped the list of your worst drinkers. :D got to train me! -sticks out tongue. takecare coww! love ya! -mwahmwah

TWIN: twinnn! you are ---! and i am ---. hahahahaha that was funny, luckily we didn't kiss and do stuff. :l -squeals. that would be strange. :D haha i love you twinnnn and you suck at drinking too. -sticks out tongue. I LOVE YOUUU I LOVE YOUU I LOVE YOUUU. (:

for YOU*

still feels like our first night together
feels like the first kiss and it's gettin' better baby
no one can better this
still holdin on, you're still the one
first time our eyes met - the same feeling i get
only feels much stronger - i wanna love you longer
you still turn the fire on
so if you're feeling lonely don't
you're the only one i ever want
i only wanna make it good
so if i love you a little more than i should
-
please forgive me - i know not what i do
please forgive me - i can't stop loving you
don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
please forgive me - if i need you like i do
please believe me - every word i say is true
please forgive me - i can't stop loving you
-
still feels like our best times are together
feels like the first touch
we're still getting closer baby
can't get close enough
i'm still holdin' on - you're still number one
i remember the smell of your skin
i remember everything
i remember all your moves - i remember you yeah
i remember the night - you know i still do
so if you're feeling lonely don't
you're the only one i ever want
i only wanna make it good
so if i love you a little more than i should
-
please forgive me - i know not what i do
please forgive me - i can't stop loving you
don't deny me - this pain i'm going through
please forgive me - if i need you like i do
oh believe me - every word i say is true
please forgive me - i can't stop loving you

2004-07-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

please dont say you love me unless you mean it
or i might do something crazy like believe it

i was just talking to twin just now and i realised that maybe people say i love you too carelessly. its used so often, maybe people don't really mean it when they say i love you. thats really sad, but i'm glad that at least i mean it when i say i love you. especially when i say i love you to you*. alot of things have been said, promises been made, but when we ended it, alot of those things you said became empty words, empty promises. did you really mean them? you told me you would never let me go, told me you would do your best to not hurt me again (and if you did i could slap you many many many times). all your 'i'll never let you go's were obviously empty words when you left me. i guess i have learnt a lesson. i've learnt not to believe what everyone says, because its simply not true. but why, why is it that when you tell me something like you'll never leave me, i always end up believing you in the end? like the stupid fool i am. maybe its because i WANT to believe it, because i felt comfort in those words, i was reassured. oh well, stupid me. (: oh fuck it jude, stop crying already.

can't believe that i'm the fool again,
i thought this love would never end.
how was i to know?
you never told me.
can't believe that i'm the fool again,
and i who thought you were my friend.
how was i to know?
you never told me.

2004-07-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

this song has been stuck in my head the whole damn day. i think it applies alot. (:

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know
-
though she's so far away
it just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on
-
so tell me where do i start
cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go
-
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
cause heaven knows
-
my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine
-
why i live in despair
cause while awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so

DADDY (x: heyy daddy (: thank youuu. you rock too! love ya! -mwahmwah

JOAN: heyy girl, didn't know you read my blog. (: haha takecare okay? love ya! -mwahmwah

ZHI: lilu! (: hahaha, sorry la! its not my fault. look at the song. [shes always on my mind]. haha don't worry. i had a GREAT time kay. hahaha. my 5th sense tells me that.. you love me! yes i know. love ya! -mwahmwah

2004-07-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

i know they say if you love somebody
you should set them free
but it sure is hard to do
it sure is hard to do
i know they say if they don't come back again
then it's meant to be
those words ain't pulling me through
cos i'm still in love with you
i spend each day here waiting for a miracle
but it's just you and me
going through the mill climbing up a hill
-
this is the long goodbye
somebody tell me why
two lovers in love can't make it
just what kind of love keeps breaking our hearts
no matter how hard i try
you're gonna make me cry
come on baby it's over let's face it
all that's happening here is a long goodbye
-
sometimes i ask my heart
did we really give our love a chance
i know without a doubt
that we turned it inside out
and if we walked away it would make more sense
but it tears me up inside
just to think we still could try
how long must we keep riding on this carousel
going round and round
and never getting anywhere on a wing and prayer
-
someone please tell me why
are you ever coming back again

now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
it's the way i feel
i know i made a mistake
now it's too late
i know she ain't comin back
what i gotta do now
to get my shorty back
man I don't know what
i'm gonna do
without my booo

how the hell did we wind up like this

2004-07-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

i just need to get this out of my chest
that you will always have my heart

i'm hurting like mad inside. it hurts so fucking much. when i saw you today, my already broken heart just shattered. the things you said to me last night hurt me really deeply. it felt like i was getting stabbed a million times. today when you switched places during chinese, it finally hit me. it was over, it really was over. talking to you and looking at you just made everything even worse. maybe it was better that you changed places. i don't know what to say or do anymore. i guess i just got to accept it. maybe twin is right, we really weren't meant to be. 'if she comes back, shes yours. if she doesnt, she never was.' i just wish i could move on, forget everything, but i can't. i've lost my reason for living.

on a lighter note, charmaine and i had a really interesting recess today talking about the past and how we used to dislike each other at one period of time. (: but i love that girl. she's mega cute and funny. LOVE YOU. -mwahmwah.

went out with Lilu after school today! i swear she is one of the most hilarious persons i've ever met. :D we ate at Lips cafe and we were drawing all over the back of the order menu. and on our order menu we drew like dinosaurs, coconut trees, flowers, suns and birds. haha. watched Mean Girls after that. its a really good show. its really funny too. but the girls were BITCHES, serious bitches. i'd say its a must see! walked around after that. went to Popular to get my TYS and then headed to Taka to get food and stuff. we shared this gooey fudge brownie that was NUTLESS. yum. -licks lips. even though i was out with her and we had a good time and all, i couldn't stop thinking about you. i miss you so much, do you know that? -sighs.

juvee left me a note in school today. i thought it was really sweet. (: thanks juuvee. :D

i can't type anymore. i'm just so fucking..

sad.

CHAR: (: haha thats damn funny. i'm glad i have a friend like you, really. you always manage to make me laugh with your RETARDEDNESS. -sticks out tongue. thanks meiiii. love ya! -mwahhmwahh.

ZHI: haha you are Lilu and i am Lily. haha sheesh. anyway, thanks for a great time today.(: never fail to make me laugh. thanks for talking to me last night too, don't know what i would have done if you hadn't made me laugh so much.-blows nose. haha my 5th sense is telling me that its going to rain!! -sticks out tongue. takecare. -baobao. love ya! -mwahmwah.

JUUVE: thanks for the note and the really sweet mms. hugs to you too! yes we will get through this shit together. :D takecare and don't be too sad okay? love ya!-mwahmwah.

~~what i gotta do now, to get my shorty back.~~

2004-07-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

here alone
without a reason for living

fuck. i was THIS fucking close to happiness, and i blew it. yes, i know. smart move jude. but i really can't bear to put you through shit again. today is what was supposed to be our second month.do you know how much it hurts? ): it hurt so much looking at you today. so i just went around, pretending that i'm fine, pretending i don't care. but i do, and it hurts so fucking much.

Dear ex-Baby, even though we didn't even make it this far, I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for making me feel wanted, making me feel loved, making me feel pretty and making me glow. This relationship has taught me quite a few things. Firstly, I learnt what love is. I learnt how much I can love a person, and I must say I was quite pleased with what i learnt. Baby, I just want to say, that no matter what, I'll always be loving you. Remember the email I sent you? and all the letters I wrote? Well sweetie, I meant every word of it. Take care and Happy what-was-supposed-to-be-our second month. I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

CHAR: (: hey mei. thanks for always making me laugh with your funny antics and all. (: and thanks for all your advice. really appreciate it alright? I LOVE YOU! -hugs.

ZHI: -sticks out tongue. you are so lame! stop calling me lily okay. i ain't no lily. (: thanks for everything, all your advice and all. ily! hahahaha. -hugs

ZEL: hey babe. alright, i'll try my best. its not working though. i miss youu too. i miss CAT tuition days. i still remember how we used to slack and go upstairs and all. funny. takecare babe. ily. (: -hugs

2004-07-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

dont they know its the end of the world
it ended when you said goodbye

she was my life
my fucking life
now that shes gone
i cant think
i cant breathe properly
i cant sleep
i cant do anything
do you know
how fucking much
i miss calling her
MINE
how i wish
and i hope
that she was still mine
but no
no more
gotta accept it
gotta get on with life
but how to
when she was
my fucking life
i lived on her
i lived on her every word
her every breath
her every kiss
her every touch
now that shes gone
im lost
like a girl
whos already dead inside
now i know how
people really feel
when they say
'without you
i dont think i can live'
i know its hard for her
its hard for me too
because ive lost my everything
and id give anything
to get her back
but i cant be selfish
she had her reasons
it was for our own good really
but why the fuck
does it hurt so much
does it feel so bad
actually
i do know why
because i love her
i love her as much as its humanly possible
i love her with my life
and swear
i would die for her
i miss her so fucking much
fuck it
i just want my baby back
but i cant be selfish
no no
she told me
that one day
one lucky guy
is gonna sweep me off my feel
and ill fall madly in love with him
then ill have my happy ending
but little does she know
she was THAT LUCKY GUY
she was my happy ending
but now
everything is gone
no more happy ending
no more happily ever after
no more nothing
cause ive lost her
the only thing i ever really need and want in life
HER.

2004-07-19T05:09:00.000-07:00

sweet beginnings
and bitter endings

rather emotional day i must say. do you know how fucking painful it is to see you? and yet, i felt happy that i actually got to see you. ugh, what is wrong with me? the whole morning, memories and songs we shared kept running through my head. my head felt like it was throbbing, literally. i felt so horrid, you have no idea. everytime i looked at you, that fucking pain in my heart increased. i wrote something, but i don't think you'll ever get to read it. so yeah.

stayed back to complete my fucking ss essay today. i have to stay back in school again tomorrow for study group because i left really early. kind of reminds me of the times when i used to stay back to wait for you to finish MMC. tomorrow is our supposed second month. we didn't even go that far. -sigh. yingzhi came over after i went home. went to Lantana Avenue to wait for her. sat on the curb where me and twin sat the other night and listened to my ipod. i was on the verge of tears after listening to a few songs but thank God yingzhi arrived on time. (: that girl is damn sweet, she gave me a sunflower. (: thanks for the sunflower! went to my place and talked and ate and laughed. shes damn funny. (: felt better after she came over. had math tuition and i just kept on doing matrices and remainder factor theorum. i think i should be able to pass the next math test. twin is over now. we were just laughing about what we did in Australia. (: waichoo rocks. yupp.

i realised something when Sheryl came to talk to me today. she told that life still goes on. well you were my life.

TWIN: hello darling twin. (: thanks for everything okay. ants are behindd youuu! i love you twinnieumms. i will never leave you. (:

:): i'll try. (: thanks anyway.

MUMMY x): haha okay thanks mummy. i love youu.

HUAAA: hey dear, i think you know whats wrong. ): sigh. oh well. i'll be okay in time i guess? yupp. takecare. iloveyou. (:

YINGZHI: thanks for coming over and cheering me up today. (: thanks for the flower too! takecare okay? :D lILY. hahaha.

you can call me selfish
but all i want is your love
you can call me hopeless, baby
cause i'm hopelessly in love
you can call me unperfect, but who's perfect?
tell me what do i gotta do
to prove that i'm the only one for you
so what's wrong with being selfish?

2004-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

without you
how can i go on

i can't concentrate on anything anymore. every little fucking thing reminds me of you. even my parents have noticed that i'm not my usual self, so i just go around pretending everything is okay in front of them, laughing at their 'funny' jokes, pretending i'm okay. i went for chinese tuition. in my pencil case, my pens have 'cinderella' written on it in permanent black ink. it is slowly fading away though. my stapler has the word 'prince' on it in blanko. i checked my phone during tuition because you always used to message me, telling me you just woke up and telling me how much you don't feel like going for golf training and telling me how tired you are and that you miss me. there were messages, but none were from you. i can't believe myself, i was actually hoping that you'll message me. needless to say i felt like crying during tuition. my chinese tutor even asked me whats wrong. "mei shi, wo hen lei" i told her. i wish that it were that simple, that i was just tired, but no. my dad says i lost weight, that i look paler. my mom says its because my period comes so often. my dad asked me if there was anything troubling me, i told him that i was frustrated because i can't draw graphs properly. haha. if only. you called last night. i was so glad to hear your voice, i know i shouldn't be, but i was. i was glad that you called because i miss you. i miss you so much.

i miss the way you can make me smile,
i miss the way you used to force-feed me by making me look into your oh-so-irresistable puppy dog eyes,
i miss the way you used to message me, telling me that you miss me and that you love me,
i miss the way you would kiss me so tenderly,
i miss the way you would whisper 'i love you' in my ear,
i miss the way you would try to make me jealous by teasing me about other girls,
i miss the way you used to hold me,
i miss the way we used to laugh together over the strangest things,
i miss the times when we 'watched' movies together,
i miss the way your hand touched mine so gently,
i miss the way you refused to put down the phone in the night even though you were half-asleep,
i miss the times we spent together,
basically, i just miss you.

i seem to be addicted to -------. its my new hobby. (: i like to see my masterpieces. fuck, jude just let go already. stop clinging on to it. don't be selfish. stop it already. stop it.

i can never be happy without you. maybe one day i would move on, but i will never be complete. because you were a part of me. when you left, you took that part with you. now its gone. you know what part you took, you took my heart. my whole fucking heart.

2004-07-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

if you love somebody
you should set them free

twin is over. (: i love my twin cos she can cheer me up. well kinda anyway. my eyes hurt. so does my heart. i don't know why, i went to read our blog. it brought back so many memories, hurts just thinking about it so twin asked me to close it. read the email you sent me too. oh well. i shouldn't be clinging on really. its very selfish of me. but somehow i just can't help it. i must be strong.

Dear God, I think its rather strange of me to talk to you now after all that has happened but anyway, please let me be strong and help me get over her quick, please get rid of that aching pain in my heart too. Also please watch over her, help her be strong too. Help us get through this tough period. It'll be okay right? Please help my twin, help her stop worrying, help her and Max. Please bless my parents and all my other friends as well. AMEN.

this is harder than i thought. but i'll get through it i guess. i hope. i'm not okay, but i hope i'll be okay soon. -sigh. someone please get rid of that fucking pain in my heart, it feels like i'm getting a heart attack. ):

i carved your name on my arm, if it leaves a scar, i still won't regret it, cos no matter what, you'll always be a part of me.

2004-07-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

tell me how am i supposed
to live without you

i'm not okay. ): i want to sleep. sleep all this away. tell me why can't i sleep? WHY. now i know why you are afraid of being alone in the dark. i hate it too. and i'm afraid, cos i dont know how to control myself, control my emotions. anyway, i think i'm closing down my blog. i don't know who reads it and i don't wish to pour out everything here anymore. so much for my happy ending

2004-07-16T03:21:00.000-07:00

counting my tears
till i get over you

well. its over. do you hear that everyone? ITS OVER, don't go around spreading more shit rumours alright? whoever is spreading the fucking rumours, you can stop spreading them now. there is NOTHING to spread okay?

its so fucking hard to stop thinking about you, thinking about the times we shared. i can't take it anymore, my head is spinning, my heart is aching like nobodies business and i can't even think straight. every fucking thing i do reminds me of you. everywhere i go reminds me of you. every fucking love song reminds me of you. 'together forever//unfaded and unbroken'. remember? guess thats all over now. mybabyy-. is dead too. its okay. give me time. alot of time. i'll get over you, i think. for now, just let me cry my eyes out and try to get over you. it hurts so much to see you, hurts so much when you touch my face ever so gently to tell me to stop crying.

i hope you'll be alright. take alot of care. i still love you, i always will. i'll never forget the times we had together, and i don't regret anything. you still have my heart. i love you

2004-07-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

although times can be hard
we'll see it through

i think my emotional rollercoaster should be over by now? i hope. ugh, i'm so tired from all the crying and the hurt and the godknows what. i just hope everything will get better from now on, no more crying over nothing, no more not talking to each other, no more hurt. i love you, really i do. so i don't want you to hurt no more. i know you're trying really hard, i'm trying too. we'll make this work, i promise. even if it gets rough once in a while, hang in there alright? cause i don't want to lose you again. i'm scared, i really am. if i lose you again, i won't know what to do with myself. i'd just die really. so please, you have my entire heart, take good care of it alright? i'm begging you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. a phrase i'll never get tired of saying, a phrase i can never say enough. i wish i could show you, tell you just how much i love you, but i can't because no matter what i say, no matter what i do, its just not enough.samantha koh li ming, I LOVE YOU.

alright, i have to go off and do my math, otherwise i'll be stuck at home tomorrow instead of going to the acs drama thing. (:

2004-07-14T03:19:00.000-07:00

its my saddest part of the day
leaving you

i'm extremely tired and exhausted. slept at five last night and cried until three. crazy, no? the crying should be over by now, i hope. -crosses fingers. i was miserable the entire day, till recess time. spent it with my baby. our first REAL quality time together in a long time. (: i smiled for real, for the first time in a few days. i really hope things will be back to normal now. REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE. if things started being like they were these past few days, i don't think my heart would be able to take it anymore.

last night i was thinking. maybe its because i love you so much, that i'm not able to show you just how much i really love you. our second month is coming up, glad we've been able to pull through. even though this relationship has had its ups and downs, i'm really glad i'm with you. (:

had a good afternoon. (: quality time i must say, even though i was dead tired. i don't know when we'll get to spend quality time like that again. i hope its soon. next tuesday you are busy, next wednesday you have chem. ): monday i have study group. and tuesday is our special day. ): -grumbles. speaking of special day, i better start thinking of a present for you soon so i can work on it during the weekend. (:

twin, i know you are still sad and all, don't worry alright. shitty periods will pass, trust me i know. (: ILOVEYOU twin. thank you so much. i read your blog and i fully agree with you. ILOVEYOU. ants are behind you. (: thanks for making me laugh, thanks for letting me know you care. (:

SAM: biscuitface!! thanks for coming into my class today although i was half dead and all. (: the crying should stop. i miss talking to you. one day we'll spend some time together alright? love you babe.

2004-07-13T04:29:00.000-07:00

this is the story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world

i am bored and to keep myself from thinking i decided to do this. (: got this from my old email. (:

spell your first name backwards - yduj
[x] Where do you live - sixth avenue
[x]Describe Your Wallet - its not mine actually, its my biscuitface's. its a white roxy one with pink and grey graffiti on it. (:
[x] Comb - i don't use a comb, i use a brush.
[x] Toothbrush - Oral B orthodontic one.
[x] Pillow cover - bubblegummer- disco diva / plain yellow
[x] Blanket - bubblegummer-disco diva
[x] Sunglasses - i broke them last year. (:
[x] Makeup - lipgloss and blusher.
[x] In my head - YOU YOU and YOU.
[x] you Wishing - alot of wishes that probably won't come true. for now i just want you to be happy. i want to be happy too.
[x] After this - probably surf some more or go upstairs and get my phone.
[x] Person you wish you could see right now - YOU.
[x] Is next to you - my fruits and my printer.
[x] Something you're looking forward to in
month - our second month. (:
[x] The last thing you ate - dinner.
[x] Something that you are deathly afraid of
losing - you and kim and other people i love alot.
[x] Do you believe in forgiveness - yes
[x]Do you believe in love - hell yeah.
[x] If you could have any animal for a pet - a cuute baby wolf. (: or a baby seal maybe. :l
[x] What is the latest you've ever stayed up - didnt sleep for two days straight, does that count?
[x] Can you eat with chopsticks - yeah but apparently i hold them wrongly. -shrugs
[x] What are some of your favorite foods - too many to name (:
[x] What's something that you wish people would
understand - lesbianism.
[x]What's something you wish you could
understand better - you, myself and other things.
[x] Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in
a long time - saw jer and jess AND qianting so i guess no one? :l
[x] my mother thinks i am - lazy. (:
[x] my grandma thinks i am - don't have one anymore
[x] my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks i am - i don't know, why don't you answer that.
[x] your three best qualities - i guess you could say i'm sweet, and i care alot for certain people (:
[x] three worst qualities - HAHAHA, too many too name. spoilt, mean, ugly, stupid.. so on and so forth
[x] makes u happy - you and my friends (:
[x] upsets you - TOO MANY TO NAME
[x] you keep a diary - i have a blog!
[x] you like to cook - i don't cook. (:
[x] you have a secret you have not shared
with anyone - doubt so.
[x] you bite your fingernails - yes, bad habit i know. bit off all my nice long nails. ):
[x] you want more piercings - maybe. (:
[x] you want more tattoos - don't have one, won't mind having one though. (: next time maybe
[x] you drink - APPLE ALOE, coke, mountain dew. basically any soft drink. (: and sometimes alchohol but yeah.
[x] you like cleaning - depends on what
[x] you like roller coasters - OOH HELL YEAH (: adrenaline rush, fun fun fun.
[x] have you ever cried over a boy/girl - yes. cried over BOTH boy AND girl actually.

okay its finally done. (:

2004-07-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

i dont wanna lose you
i could never make it alone

i don't know whats wrong with me, i'm on the verge of tears every fucking second. cried godknows how many times today. i keep on thinking and thinking and thinking about things. :l its so horrid. ): i don't even feel like going into it. i love the rain, don't you? (: it smells like tears sometimes, so when you walk in the rain, you can't tell whether you are crying or whether its the rain. same goes for showers, except they don't smell like tears. maybe thats the reason why i spent an hour in the shower today.

i realised something i didn't want to realise. my whole fucking life revolves around YOU, one person. like kim said, you can make or break my day. i wake up in the morning, and i think of you. the last person i think about at night, is you. the person i dream of most often, is also you. when you are unhappy, so am i. when you are happy, i'm happy for you. when you hurt, i hurt too. aren't i just so fucking pathetic. i can't even concentrate on anything or think anymore. maybe i should really engage myself in my studies, then MAYBE it would take my mind off you for ONE SECOND. then again, i don't think it will. you have no idea how much i love you. i can't even put it in words. things will be back to normal, you say. well i really do hope so, cause all this is seriously killing me. that dull aching pain in my heart won't go away. sometimes i just wish it'd kill me, then i wouldn't feel anymore. but then i think, killing me would make me leave you, and i wouldn't want to do that. ): -sigh. shut up jude, shut up.you always say you love me more than i love you. i'm telling you now, that is impossible, because no one can love more than i do. ask me to, and i'll die for you. yes i am that insane.

i want to sleep. sleep and never wake up. won't that be nice. when i sleep i'll dream of you. i'll dream sweet dreams so i won't have to go through all this fucking agony.

but if the day comes that i have to let you go
i think there's something i should probably let you know
that everyday that i spend with you
i will miss you cos i'm happy that i had you at all

2004-07-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

if you were in my position
you would just break down and cry

today was a HORRID DAY. :l a bad bad bad day. -frowns.i felt utterly useless and stupid. basically, i gave up on myself today. my brain was a complete BLANK. every single thing my teachers said did not go into my head at all. ms soh made me stay back after school to do my english comprehension test and i handed up what i perceive to be the most slip-short piece of work i have ever done or attempted to do. :l ugh i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i just feel so tired and i feel this REALLY STRONG BURNING hatred for school. especially this one. it didn't do anything to me, but i hate it anyway. i guess its just the education system. i really want to go overseas, even though i can't bear to leave the people here, i just want to leave this fucked up system like NOW. i just know that if i don't pull up my socks, i'm going to get retained. and when i do get retained, my parents are going to disown me. (: now now, isn't that nice. i know people are trying to help me and i know i probably CAN do it if i really wanted to even though i'm so stupid. i really hate this feeling. its horrid, but at least i know that when i want to give up, or when i'm really down, my friends are there for me. (: thankyou.

twin came over just now, she too was in the pits and crying today although for a totally different reason. we are so pathetically sad. (: but at least we're both in it together. its funny you know, when i'm happy, shes happy when i'm sad, shes sad. (: its like our minds are connected or something. and we are going through the same shit. i still remember calling her one night when i was crying, not knowing that she was crying too. so we cried on the phone together like two retards, but i'm really glad i have my twin. (: don't know where i'd be without her. we took a walk just now, sat there, thought about things, reminisced, laughed, cried. (: had a fantasy too. one day, twin, max, my baby and i will go to a paradise island together, we'll live there our whole lives and be perfectly contented because the people that mean the most to us will be there with us. (: TWIN: i love you loads, thanks for being there for me and cheering me up. without you, i'd just die. (: ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU. -mwahh by the way, that thingy i was lost without you(0) is a tagboard, you can tag it if you want. (: much love, the UGLY BRAINLESS BITCH. (: bytheway, YOU are damn fucking weird. you are annoying me to death and i have this strong feeling that you are GAY, either that or really really desperate.please go away. you weirdo. YUCK.

TOREN: hey, my friendster is screwed so i'll have to check back later. (: takecare, see you around angel. -hugs. lovelove.

RENEE: oh okay. (: hope you're doing fine. see you in school. lovelove. (: -hugs

2004-07-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

theres a girl in the mirror
i wonder who she is

alright, so me and kim have established the fact that she is rather ugly. personally i don't really think so but oh well. so anyway, if she is so ugly, then how come so many people are attracted to her? she is popular with girls AND guys. so then i started thinking that maybe she has inner beauty. INNER BEAUTY-- something which i lack. (outer beauty too for that matter). if you think about it, i'm not a very nice or pleasant person, neither am i pretty or cute(eww). and i can be extremely mean to complete strangers. so what exactly do people who are attracted to me see in me? that is a wonder in itself. :l i'm rude, spoilt, vulgar and i can be downright annoying. furthermore, i have no talents whatsoever and i'm STUPID.godknows what you see in me. :l i pity you,really. i guess i should just count my lucky stars i have you. (:

STEFFI: haha no i thought i was your jie. (: oh well, im flexible with both. how are you babe? (: takecare alright? LOVEYOU.

2004-07-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

thank god i found you
i was lost without you

for my prince charming; my baby; my everything. (:

i would give up everything
before i'd separate
myself from you
after so much suffering
i finally found unvarnished truth
i was all by myself
for the longest time
so cold inside
and the hurt from the heartache
would not subside
i felt like dying
until you saved my life
thank God i found you
i was lost without you
my every wish and every dream
somehow became reality
when you brought the sunlight
completed my whole life
i'm overwhelmed with gratitude
cause baby I'm so thankful
i found you
i would give you everything
there's nothing in this world
i wouldn't do
to ensure your happiness
i'll cherish every part of you
cause without you beside me
i can't survive
i don't want to try
if you're keeping me warm
each and every night
i'll be alright
cause i need you in my life
thank God i found you
i was lost without you
my every wish and every dream
somehow became reality
when you brought the sunlight
completed my whole life
i'm overwhelmed with gratitude
cause baby i'm so thankful
i found you
see i was so desolate
before you came to me
looking back i guess
it shows that we were
destined to shine
after the rain
to appreciate
the gift of what we have
and i'd go through it all over again
to be able to feel this way
i'm overwhelmed with gratitude
my baby
i'm so thankful
i found you

thank you baby. (: i'm so much happier with you by my side.

2004-07-11T02:41:00.000-07:00

and everything means nothing
if i aint got you

alright i have officially revived my blog! (: i need to edit the picture though but i'll get to that soon enough. (: this weekend has been pretty alright. went to the physiotherapist yesterday. she told me not to wear my neck collar anymore because then my muscles will forget how to work. (: THANKGOD. hated that damn thing. my back is alot better now, still hurts a teeny bit, but its not as bad as it was on thursday and friday. (: met my baby yesterday! :D basically just walked around. met jess and jer for awhile too. :D looking good babes! (: we must go out one more time before you leave alright? love you babes. -mwahh. sat at MPH after my baby left and read comics and books for two hours. my ass was extremely sore when i got up. :l met my baby again and headed for the esplanade. (: pretty night i'd say. especially when its with that special someone. (: went home and ordered macs! -rubs tummy. damn i am sucha glutton, i'm gonna put on 32462368 kg before the next weighing session. OH GOSH, WHERE IS MY BLOODY SELF DISCIPLINE! :l -sigh. next time anyone of you see me eating something particularly fattening, please slap me or something. i'm so fat its plain DISGUSTING. :l YUCK.

i think i must be boring you all to death with whats going on in my mundane everyday life. however, i do not wish to expose my innermost thoughts and feelings(which is what a blog is for but anyway) as i have no idea who reads my blog. (: so as to not offend anyone, i shan't.

RENEE: are you using the diaryland one or the blogspot one now? tell me so i can link it accurately okay. takecare.(:

ZHI: excuuse me! hahaha that is not a picture of me and her, it is just a picture. :D can't imagine her in boots though, can you imagine her wearing that? it'd be absolutely hilarious. (: see you in school! takecare. (:

STEFFI: i am your kor? really? :D okay then. yeahh i finally updated, i will be updating from now on so you can come and flood my guestbook! :D takecare honey. -mwahhh. loveyou!

DADDY: daddy! (: yes i finally updated, you can flood my guestbook too! daddy, you owe me a sweet because i am your son. (: hurry give me my sweet. takecare darling daddy. -mwahh. loveyou!

HUAAA: okay i know its abit late but yeahh, i did have SOME fun in china. (: i miss youuu. ): we haven't been hanging out much have we. anyway, takecare. iloveyou. (:

JERR: i didn't go for the class gathering. :l but i met YOU! looking good i tell you. :D we must go out before you leave okay? -mwahh. iloveyou.

MYBISCUITFACE: sweetie! okay we havent been hanging out much and all, but i just want you to know that i'm ALWAYS ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU alright? i'm rather worried about you. :l please don't do anything silly. its worrying really. :l i'll catch up with you and we can share our sorrows. as for THAT GIRL/THING, i can't be bothered with her anymore, she can do whatever she pleases. she'll never have my baby cos i AINT SHARING. :D takecare dear. the dog is on the tab tab tab tab table and everybodys on the table. :D ILOVEYOUTOCHUNKS! -bighug

BABY: honeymunchkin! :D i miss youu! i know you are thinking of me (well you better be), im thinking of you too. hurry spidey, come to my house. (: ILOVEYOU x MILLIONBILLIONGAZILLIONTIMES. (: -plants many kisses on your lips. i cant live; if living is without you (:

2004-07-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

i am a strong girl
strong girls dont cry

go to sleep bitch
die motherfucker die
times up bitch
close your eyes
go to sleep bitch
WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

you have definitely topped the list, i swear. and your name isn't going to be off it anytime soon. goddamn it. just thinking about you makes my blood boil. don't even know why the fuck i'm wasting my energy hating you. i don't even think you are worth it. forget it. just fucking forget it.

2004-06-30T05:14:00.000-07:00

move bitch
get out the way

gosh what is up with all of you hypocrite bitches. whatever alright, go buy a fucking life. OBVIOUSLY YOU need one really really badly. BITCH and i mean it in a BAD WAY.

2004-06-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

how wonderful life is
now youre in the world

had a wonderful day today. then again, every day i spend with YOU is wonderful. (: ANYWAY, i'm highly annoyed with my comp because it won't let me delete my emails. the fault either lies in my comp or hotmail. whatever it is, i'm annoyed. :l i can't send emails too. PFFTS.

i'll be on hiatus until i get a nice new template, all the templates are screwing up on me and they are damn annoying. maybe i'll just modify this one. (: till then, see you all! lovelove. OH YES, MY PHONE IS CONFISCATED SO IF YOU MSG ME AND I DONT REPLY, YOULL KNOW WHY.(:

if anything could last forever
it's what i feel for you
oh baby, you've touched my heart in ways
that words could never say
that's why i'll always love you

2004-06-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

kiss me and smile for me
hold me like youll never let me go

i'm leaving for china tomorrow won't be back till the night of the twentyfirst. :l just came to say this in case anyone wonders where i am. (: takecare you all. (:

i really dont want to leave, i'll miss PFFTS and my darling twin shitloads. i'll miss samtan my biscuitface too. i'll miss alot of people. ): PFFTS. -roars and yells and pulls out my hair. you know i can't bear to leave you

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh babe i hate to go
everyplace i go i'll think of you
every song i sing i'll sing for you
when i come back i'll wear your wedding ring
well the time has come to leave you
one more time let me kiss you
then close your eyes and i'll be on my way

i'll miss you* like crazy. takecare when i'm gone. -hugs&kisses

2004-05-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

judy is still alive and kicking
by the way, she is also known as penis face.
ilu jude.(: -you know who.

2004-05-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

when you feel like hope is gone
look inside you and be strong

exams are OVER!!!!(:

you have no idea how glad i am that exams are over, been waiting for today for way too long. (: somehow, it didn't feel that good when the paper was over maybe because it was a KILLER like damnit. i didn't expect it to be this bad. :l but maybe with ALOT ALOT ALOT of luck i might pass? :l because the effort i put into amath is definitely not equal to the marks i get. :l AHHH! i studied for amath! i better do well. (:

waiting for missUNflabs to finish school so that i can go out with her, yay i can't wait. (: i miss that girl.

i'm going to enjoy myself these few days till my results come back so that i'll at least be happy for this SHORT period of time, why can't our marking days be longer. then again maybe if it was longer the anticipation will KILL me. :l school sucks. if i do badly i'll go to east coast park and stand on the rock and scream and scream and scream! (: just like the people in the laska show. HAHAHA.

passed mothKING the stuff today. HAHAHA. moth tissue, pretty funny actually. hopefully i'll do alright and my mommie will let me out this weekend cause i wanna go BUNGEE-ing at clarke quay and i wanna go out with BUNKEYdarling, clem and maxxiee. :D okay its time now, off to town i go. (:

SAM: hahaha i'm going out with you in awhile. :D yayy i can't wait. and this time i have money. tralala. -skips around. I LOOK PREGNANT. AHHH FAT FAT FLABS.ew.

SHIHUI-DADDY: hey daddy! i miss you. -hughughug -kisskisskiss -petpetpet? HAHAHA. all the best for your exams! (:

when the eagles forget how to fly
and it's twenty below in July
and when violets turn red
and roses turn blue
i'll be still in love with you

2004-05-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

life is a work of art
you got to paint it colourful

just came back from Holland Village with bunkey. (: what an ENTERTAINING trip wasn't it twin? went to Coffee Bean to chill and get drinks and what do we see? a couple making out in front of us. LAO GONG AND LAO PO. :l they were both girls. (: really interesting. :l bought a cake for mommie from bread talk after that. walked around a bit and talked about BAI NEHNEHS and this woman at the flower shop shouts sthsthNEHNEH. omg, we almost died laughing. :D went to party r us and bought moth tissues for the moths. (: had a pretty good time, then again, whenever i'm with bunkey i always have a good time. and BOB was at Coffee Bean again. (: he's always there. :l BOBBOBBOBBOB. where's peter? :l we miss peter don't we bunkey. (: okay half of you probably won't know what i'm talking about. (: BOB - the guy from The Last Samurai. PETER - a cute guy that looks like a squirrel that we met in australia. (: -skips around. one last thing, i love bunkey! (:

alot of things have been happening lately, i don't know where to start. all i know is that i have a decision to make that will probably affect me and another person. :l well maybe not just one person. :l -sighs. anyway, talked to andrew yesterday, he was tryna convince me to make the decision so that i won't regret after that? :l REGRET - a horrible horrible feeling that sort of eats you up. :l and i don't want to regret but i don't want to make the decision just so that i won't regret it later on. AHH! very very very very very very confused girl here, somebody please help. :l

to my MOMMIE: i know you probably can't read this, and you had BETTER NOT, i just want to say that i love you and i appreciate everything you've done for me and all the times you've been there for me, supporting me all the way. i could never bear to lose you, it would be like the end of the world for me.so for all the times i've let you down, i'm sorry. :l (: I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU MOMMIE -hugs and kisses

SAM: at least you are doing well in one of your maths. i'm not doing well in BOTH. :l -sighs. AHH I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER ALREADY! :l

JERR: hahaha ewww i don't wish to know about when you burped or whatever. :l EEKS. and i don't love it when you tell me. hahaha. hurry design the clothes, if they're nice i'll buy them. (: GOGOGO. love you.

through the hourglass i saw you
in time you slipped away
when the mirror crashed i called you
and turned to hear you say
if only for today
i am unafraid

2004-05-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

heaven
i'm in heaven

FINALLY, the worst is over! (: i'm EXTREMELY relieved. lit was alright, i think i should be able to pass? -crosses fingers tightly. and HAHAHA i can FORGET about even trying to pass chinese, didn't understand a single thing in the passages so i ended up EENIEMEENIEMINEEMOE-ing everything. (: thank heavens for eeniemeeniemineemoes! (: i think vanessa goh was getting quite amused by me, doing my cloze passage. :l and i was drawing a sheep when the teacher walked past. she stared at me for quite some time. :l whats wrong with drawing a sheep? i was BORED. (: oh yes, before chinese me and char were sitting on the steps on the second level, blocking people's way. (: i think everyone was getting rather irritated with us but nevermind, we had a good time didn't we char? while everyone was studying chinese we were talking about....... AIR NANNIES! (: OOH and during lit we ALL smelt ms soh again. ooh mama, boy does she smell GOOD. (: i must must must find out what perfume she uses, its heavenly. (:

i can see that the 6 hours of chinese tuition didn't do me any good since i'm still going to fail chinese but who cares, its CHINESE DAMNIT! :D after my tuition with brenda yesterday we went to coffee bean at holland v where i saw more eyecandy! (: -heart flutters. theres eyecandy everywhere! (: and then we went to the bus stop to wait for brian, mr mummysboy to pick us up and fetch us home. we are mean are we not? (: -pffts. WHO CARES.

im HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that our worst papers are over, now its just english and amaths and exams are OVER. i truly cannot wait.

*pictures uploaded under picture perfect five

SAM: unflabs, exams are ending, i can't wait to go out with you and do stuff after the exams! and yes, i will not give up! (: LOVE YOUx. hahaha

ANGEL: hurry hurry hurry tell me who you are! i wanna know! -pouts. i'll give you youre letter and present after my exams okay? takecare, loves! (:

PASSERBY: hey, i got them done at Wheelock Place, i can't really remember the name of the shop though. :l but they were four bucks a piece. (:

it all came so easy
all the loving you gave me
the feelings we shared
and i still can remember
how you touched me so tender
it told me you cared

2004-05-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

i may have made it rain
please forgive me

imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu imu

screwed up yet another TWO papers. how smart of me. YAYNESS. :l can't seem to get over the damnit papers. everytime i think about it i start tearing. UGH. JUST FUCKING LET ME FORGET IT. its OVER. done. :l and my fate is sealed. if i dont start pulling up my low low low socks, i'm definitely either going to get retained OR kicked out of school. i just want to get out of this damnit system already. quoted from mothking, "you've lost two battles but the war isn't over yet, never give up." WHEN WILL THE WAR BE OVER, HURRY HURRY HURRY. i think i know how the people of russia felt. :l UGH.

ANGEL: hey angel, are you leanne? (: hurry and tell me, the game is supposed to be over, reveal yourself. (: anyway thanks for the pretty letter and the frutips, needed them badly, they seriously cheered me up. (: okay, takecare. loveloves! (:

SAM: miss unflabs, i miss you. ): -pffts. we HAVE to do sth after the exams, i need retail therapy. :l UGH i have so much to tell you, can't wait for exams to be over. :l i'll msg you or sth okay? love you more than i love chocolate babe! (:

DANMUMMY: hey dear, thanks for that little note, i'll remember that, takecare! loves! (:

i'm so tired of the rain in my life
and i'm so tired of the strain
and i ain't gonna lie cause
sometimes i can't sleep at night
and this here it don't seem right
and sometimes i just wonder why i
almost let my life go by

2004-05-03T01:50:00.000-07:00

when i see you smile
i can face the world

this sucks, i totally, completely screwed up the godamnit history exam! cried like nobody's business. :l UGH. waited for ms chiam with beaver only to find out that she was on MC. :l like. UGH. bumped into a whole lot of teachers and they were really really nice? (: i love SC teachers i tell you, seriously. OOH, i don't hate that BITCH teacher anymore. (: she's really quite nice. was supposed to go to her house today, but i didn't in the end. met jennet after school and talked to her for quite awhile. poor babe is feeling pretty upset. :l -sighs. hope she feels better soon. talked to mothking for awhile too. (: i'm really grateful for all my friends who stood by me and stuff. (: love them to bits.

exams suck balls. mothballs, butterflyballs and waichooballs. i hate exams. totally. :l can't wait for them to bloody be over. -yells. oh yes, i changed my layout so yeah. give me comments okay? (:

SAM: hey ms UN-flabs! (: thanks for that really sweet note you left me on your blog, i love you more than chocolate too dear! yes we shall go swimming next time. :D and we'll wear BIKINIS cause in my house there is no one to see our FLABS, not that YOU have any of course! (: -hugs&kisses. XOXOXO. hahahaxxxxx. (: love you tons darling!

CHARMEI: YOU! i feel like strangling you.DONT ~~TUC~~ okay! bad bad charmaine. :l -beats you. oh well, all the best for the coming papers okay? miss PONNER. i love you anyway darling! (: -hugs&kisses

BUNKEY: (: bunkey loves you! alot alot alot alot alot alot alot. :D when i see you smile, i can face the world, i can do anything. (: i love my BUNKEY! -hugs&plentyof kisses. (: bunkey rocks my world. -giggles.the lyrics below are for YOU YOU YOU darling bunkey

sometimes I wonder
if i'd ever make it through
through this world
without having you
i just wouldn't have a clue
cause sometimes it seems
like this world's closing in on me
and there's no way of breaking free
and then i see you reach for me

2004-05-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

curse me inside
for every word that caused you to cry

i think i'm getting really lazy, not blogging and all. sure have alot to blog about. :l not very good things either. ): oh well, lifes a bitch, can't change that can you?

went out with sam after school yesterday. we came back to my place first actually. (: had this mega sneaky plan of going out. (: we went to wisma and far east, walked around and bitched about people, our FLABS and told sam sth that i think kinda scared her. :l oh dear. (: don't worry sam, i'll be careful. harmless person. don't worry. (: had alot of fun with her, OOH and we took neos! haven't taken neos in a long long long long long long time. (: finally convinced sam to use the far east machine instead of the heeren one! -pffts. it was nice right sam? anyhow, by the time we finished taking the neos it was already 6sth and i had to get home really fast but the freaking taxi queue was hell long! and it took me like 30 minutes to get a damnit cab. eventually called a cab and he took like another 10 minutes to come because there was a HORRIBLE jam along orchard road. UGH. reached home just in time though. PHEW. (: SAM(: i had tons of fun going out with you, remember don't tell anyone what i told you and don't worry i'll be careful. LOVE YOU (:

went 'running' with twin today, we didn't really run though. :l i think i stopped running for too long to start running again. ): met twit at holland v, didn't really do much there except get my parents an anniversary card and buy more mints! (:

didn't go to school on thursday, exams coming up on monday and i'm fucking stressed out.

you dont understand, its not working out. its pointless for me to go on like this. and for me to continue to hurt you. so just.. let it burn

AHH SOMEONE PLEASE STAB ME!

PASSERBY: you have to create one for yourself cause if i give you mine, you can delete all my pictures. :l hahaha.

when the feelin aint the same and your body don't want to
but you know you gotta let it go
cause the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
even though this might bruise you
let it burn let it burn

2004-04-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

loving you
isnt really something i should do

school was pretty frustrating and downright tiring. :l the lessons were alright, didn't really learn much. during PE however, me and char were like EXTREMELY hyper. (: that was pretty fun! :D m-i-c-k-e-y m-o-u-s-e! (: ran with jeanette her 2.4. didn't run all the rounds but i did pace her a little and all, pretty fun. and we were like singing 'dont stop never give up hold your head high and reach the top' to jeannette, pretty funny really! (: after PE char and i were like, we want to go home. -whines. that kinda thing? so what sammmooo said was true. :l OH WELL. ran with twin again this morning. we're going to run everyday right twin? (: yay. healthy girls. good way to lose weight too. but with the amount of food i'm eating, i'm guessing it'll take awhile. :l

to a certain BITCH. i won't mention names, but i just want to say that i've never known a teacher as horrid as you. and i actually thought ms E.C was bad? OH GOSH. boy was i wrong, so damn wrong. you are SO DISCOURAGING YOU KNOW THAT? well bitch, i'm telling you. i'm going to prove you wrong. (: -smirks. you can just go bite your ass when i get a good grade. (:

off to study now. (: exams are in less than a weeks time and i'm nervous like hell. :l AHH.

OH YES, im PMSING, so just ignore me if i happen to bite your head off? (:

i feel like this is coming to an end
and its better for me to let it go now
than hold on and hurt you
i gotta let it burn

2004-04-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

i got to find a way to find a better day
without you

today a miracle happened, I PASSED MY BIO! (: i was so freaking happy i tell you, i never expected myself to pass! (: what a miracle. i'm really glad. i'm pretty determined to work hard for my midyears, after all its just a week away and then its FUN FUN FUN again! :D

i'm a very very confused girl, very stressed out too. i wish i could just block everything out, just study hard, do well and exercise. no feelings involved whatsoever. but no, afterall i AM human. and only humans like edmund hooper have no emotions, in fact even hooper does! i'm drained out, as usual. but from today i'm going to just stop crying. no more tears, i'm going to be strong. yes i am. (: but if tears happen to fall, you can't blame me, can you? :l

kim twinnie and i are going to have a healthy lifestyle. just this afternoon we went running. ran all the way from my place to MGS without stopping. mrs bowness better be prouda me i tell you. (: tomorrow twin and i are going to run at FIVE AM! (: and we'll be doing so everyday. soon we won't have to worry about failing NAPFAs anymore and whatnot. :D

~~i really don't know what to do about you, sorry i was so bloody inconsiderate to say those things to you before our fourth month, happy fourth month, i'm glad we got this far.~~

ANON: sorry, its not very good to tell you what detox is here because people might start saying that sam and i are mad. :l if you're on my MSN list then just ask me there or something. (:

SAMMOOO: thanks for that.. inspiring talk you gave our class today, i'm sure our class will go up together, we'll make it through as 3CO right? we'll be the first CO to make it through as ONE. :D yeah i'll work hard don't worry about me. i'll ask if i need help, thanks sammomomo. :D -hugs.

CHARMEI: hey pangsai, yes we'll make it through the bloody midyears together. stop obsessing over jimmy neutron please? you poopoo. :l (: anyhow! i love my pangsai! (: -mwaks.

SAM: samsamsam! tralala, i'm working out baby! oh yeah! (: soon i'll be fit and toned. :D -skips around. see you at recess tomorrow. loves! <3

it's gonna burn for me to say this
but it's comin from my heart
it's been a long time coming
but we done been fell apart
really wanna work this out

~~i miss you~~

2004-04-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

when the stars fall i lie awake
you are my shooting star

went for maths tuition this morning! (: pretty productive i must say. i actually did work! (: and i told lionel and mrs ng my maths marks. :l embarrassing. UGH. but i think i am starting to get the hang of doing these stupid math problems. :D thanks to the help of chujie and mrs ng. i think if i try extremely hard, i might just be able to pass. -skips around.

i seem to be obsessed with my weight. i'm going to do whatever it takes to lose as much weight as possible. i'm like a mini whale walking around. :l GROSS.

SAM: yes lets go on detox, if i can. (: i'm sucha pig you know. UGH. i hate my weight, its so gross. how can any normal human being put on SO much weight in sucha short period of time. DISGUSTING. the mints are working, i don't have much appetite really. (: hopefully with enough exercise and mints i can lose enought weight so i don't have to go on detox. but 5 kg sure is alot! (: it would be great if i could lose that much. EC is really quite nice. i think its just the way she puts things across and her expressions. :l she ain't that bad. (: takecare dear! loveloves! oh yes, i'll give your letter to you on monday. :D

ANON: haha do i know you? anyway, i'm totally NOT slim. fat fat fat. -faints. detox is..... maybe i shouldn't say it here. :l

DAN: hey mummy! i hope you've been studying. i miss you and daddy. i love you both. -hugs&kisses (:

what is this feeling taking over
thinking no one could open the door
surprise it's time to feel what's real
what happened to Miss Independent

2004-04-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

put your hand in mine
i'll leave when i wanna

okay, i haven't blogged in like 2456132 years. (: my bad. i've been pretty busy and lazy. :l okay, quite alot has been happening. like how i got back my CA marks and didn't do well and how i don't think ms E.C is sucha bitch anymore and how i don't think i'll be transferring school anytime soon. (:

so today i stayed back with E.C. she is really quite nice. i suppose i was also being biased against her. :l now we have established a friendship? well somewhat anyway. (: mmhmm. i'm rather glad i stayed back with her.

my ca marks were awful, worse than awful. i think if i carry on like that i can forget about going to sec four. :l EXTREMELY pissed off and disappointed with myself.

the tears have never stopped since i dontknow when. its horrible to wake up every morning with fucking puffy eyes, looking like some asshole. and i'm sure my mother knows but she just isn't saying anything.

i feel so disoriented, so lost and so fucking hopeless. i don't know what to do with myself. and i'm becoming as fat as an elephant. now isn't that nice? (: wow, to add on to my horrible grades i'm putting on so much weight. i don't care, i'm mega serious about going on a diet, if a diet doesn't work, i'll just will myself not to eat. (: SO THERE. and i'm going to exercise everyday too, if i can that is.

school has been pretty fucked up. spent recess today with charmaine screaming and throwing books around the classroom. and i ATE wedges, how awful. what part of diet does my brain not comprehend? :l stupid ass brain. charmaine and i became rather hyper after school. i can assure you i don't learn much when i go to school. i don't see the point of going to bloody school anyway since i don't learn anything, i might as well have HOMESCHOOLING or something. UGH.

SAM: i bought 4 packets of MINTS and i finally dared to weigh myself. i almost collapsed when i saw my weight. SAM! i'm a mini elephant/ hippo. :l FUCK. what is _ _ _ _ _ _? :l

oh my love
my darling
ive hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
as time goes by so slowly
that time can do so much
are you still mine?

2004-04-19T05:34:00.000-07:00

then i see you standing there
wanting more from me

school has been fun so far, not the lessons, the hanging out and the playing around. (: me and char were like drunkards today, laughing at nothing. after school was really fun too. hung out with xuan,nikki and mel. talking about... stuff. (: -winks. and laughing our heads off. sam and beaver came after that and we had even more fun. :D if only school was like this everyday, i wouldn't mind coming so much if that was the case.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER ROCKED! (: it is a total must see. dancing was great, music was great, tony was HOT. (: and we got to dance at the end! (: major fun! ooh and i had fantastic chocolate dipped strawberries. MMMM. -rubs tummy. (: last night was fun, but when i got back home i don't know what got into me. :l -sighs. i hate to be really happy and suddenly turn upset again. :l hate hate hate hate it. -snarls.i feel rather retarded, like i'm high on nothing. (: well it sure is funner than crying, so i shall try to remain this way for as long as i can. (: MMHMM.

i'm going to do my best to study really hard from now on, that means cutting down on computer time and stuff like that. AND i'm going to swim 50 laps everyday like i did today. i'm trying to CHANGE, be prouda me. (:

SHIHUI: i wanna put on, mymymymymy boogie shoes, just to boogie with YOU. i love you! (:

i wanna put on mymymymymy boogie shoes
just to boogie with YOU
i wanna do it till the sun comes up
uhhuh i wanna do it till i cant get enough
(:

2004-04-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

and everytime i try to fly i fall
without my wings i feel so small

had a rather interesting time today. math tuition in the morning, didn't benefit much though, i'm still clueless about quadratic functions and whatnot. had a rather long discussion about life with lionel and mrs ng. (: lionel and i are going to write a book about life! (: i think. yes, pretty interesting really. (: anyway! went to karen's in the afternoon, had a wonderful time catching up with her and her kids! (: and i got great tips on lit. karen is amazingly brilliant, so are her kids. she has even started a school which i'm going to work at during the june holidays, i think. (: isn't that fun? it is the foundation for my ambition, to be a preschool teacher. :D i can't wait. i love karen and her kids so much! (: clemmie says if i don't do well for mids, he's not going to bring me shopping. and i tell you, shopping with clemmie is GREAT. (: he's my shopping brother. anyway, looks like i'm not going shopping with him.):

the tears fall heavily in the night, i wish i could sleep peacefully without having to CRY and wake up with damnit puffy eyes. -snarls.

CHARMEII: hey superchar! :D yes yes you shall live. yes, we are totally ANTI-MS C! (: and its not our fault that that BITCH doesn't like us, right? stop DOTTING PEOPLE. i'm going to strangle you! its so..... DOTTIFICATED! (: okay, since we are the supers that means i can dot people too. and i shall dot people, and give that silly super sign! (: i really want to transfer, but i don't think i can, and i'll miss all of you too! (: thanks for the song, i tagged your board again. :D alright, you takecare. see you on MONDAY! study hard for your amath test. :l ughh. loveloveloveloveloves! -mwaks

SAMMO: hey fantasia darling, superchars husband. yes alright, thank you! loveloves!

STEFFI: hey dear, thanks, i'm doing my best not to. miss you, takecare. loves! :D

now go to sleep bitch
die, motherfucker, die
uh, times up bitch,
close your eyes
go to sleep bitch
why are you still alive?

2004-04-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

my shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf

okay, there are two main things that i want to blog about, firstly, i want to say how proud i am of my darling twin. (: and secondly, i want to tell everybody what a wonderful class i have. (: so here goes.

KIM LIAN ROLLES i just want to say how darn proud i am of you for maturing so much, you're no longer the old kim i used to know, the one who would go crazy and do things without thinking of the consequences, or maybe you did but you still did it anyway. the one who would ----- and ---. (: i'm truly proud of you. i can see that you really are thinking through things and you're respecting you're parents alot more. especially when you told me that as long as your parents were alive, you wouldn't get a tattoo. and even when you KNOW that uwc is alot better for your future, you're still considering it. (: if i were you i would jump for it, but then that just me. you've grown up twin. waichoo will be prouda you really. just don't change too much and become a totally different person okay? i love you alotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotalotalot. (: -hugs&kisses.

3 COURAGE i've never seen a class with so much class spirit and unity before. especially during the 2.4, after most of you ran and were probably dying of heat and fatigue, you still paced people who had difficulty running, pulling them along, almost carrying them really. it just showed how much class spirit you have. (: and when vanessa didn't want to pass, you all pushed her and gave her support. and vanessa really did us proud didn't she? so did all the rest. sorry i couldn't complete the 2.4. :l i suppose i should be rather ashamed. :l when all of you put in so much effort, and i gave up halfway. after school was just hilarious, all the running, whos wife and husband, sam's fantasia haircut, kissing beaver. (: i love 3 CO so much! (: even in the academic aspect, the teachers said we're doing rather well didn't they. i believe if all of us really try, do our best we can fulfill our goal. the one that says NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND. (: we'll all go up together okay? and we'll be the best dressed class at the prom! -hugs all of you tightly. lets do the teachers proud and show everyone we aren't the 'worst' class. (:

today wasn't really my day, but having fun after school with my class really cheered me up. i don't think i've ever cried so hard. or maybe i have, but not in a long time. this crying thing seems to be an everyday thing now. which is NOT good. i must try to hold the tears in. i must be a strong girl. i musn't give up. right? :l

OH YES, how can i forget. i HAVE to bitch about a certain teacher, whose initials are E.C. well this certain teacher sent me, char,beaver,alyssa and melissa out of class today just because we didn't do our TYS. according to her, we were the first group of students she has ever sent out of class. oh wow, what are we supposed to feel? honoured? and this certain teacher also keeps picking on me and charmaine. well bitch, in what way have we offended you? just because you know that me and char bitch about you behind your back and that we laugh at your hair, your makeup and your FATS doesn't mean that you can just pick on us anytime you want. if you want to have an explosion since you're so FLAMMABLE, i think you should take it somewhere else. just to let you know, i absolutely despise you. i hope you don't think that you are 'helping' me because im 'worth it' because you aren't. you just make me hate you and biology even more. i dread going to your lessons, i dread seeing your face, listening to your voice. i detest everything about you. (: so yes, i hope your ------- rots. and you explode one day in the bio lab. (: ooh, i feel SO MUCH better.

SAM: haha yeah, i was crying like some freaking idiot which is majorly embarrassing considering other teachers saw me too. :l ugh. basically lamenting about my grades and how i can transfer school and whatnot. ms soh is a very nice person. (: i can't study with my friends because they ARE the HAHAHA I CANT KEEP STILL WHILE STUDYING kind. i think. :l yeah i think i'll try aiming for a few subjs. my lit and hist aren't too bad so yeah. (: just msg me if you have any probs, after all thats what friends are for. (: takecare, thanks for your advice oh and btw i didn't meet miss E.C (: whoops, my bad. (: loveloves!

SHIYING: hey darling, thanks for being there kay? I LOVE YOU! (:

goodbye may seem forever
farewell is like the end
but in my heart is a memory
and there you'll always be

2004-04-15T02:38:00.000-07:00

fuck the world
and lets get high

i hate school. i really, truly, do. it drains me and it makes me cry. i want to move, move to somewhere faraway. the education system here is just plain horrid. i'm doing badly even though i try. i just want this all to end. the mids are coming, i'm unprepared, i don't know what to do with myself. i wish i had the strength and the willpower to bury myself in books and just PASS, im not asking for alot, i just want to pass. is that too much? :l well apparently it is, for me.

failed yet another amath test, according to sam i know my work. yes, if i know my work why am i still failing? ): emath test was alright i suppose. but i can't stand the fact that we have so many more tests next week. we have tests practically everyday! and its not like i'm not stressed out enough already for the mids. i'm going to have to push myself very very hard, and its not going to be easy, but i'm going to do my best.

i talked to ms soh today, we talked for a very long time. during the whole period of time that we were talking, my tears just couldn't stop falling. we talked about transferring school, my problems, my schoolwork. and she was extremely nice about it. i think she IS a really nice person. (: i'm glad she is my teacher. samantha koh, be prouda me!

my eyes are dried out, my tear ducts have no more tears in them. i want to crawl up in bed and never wake up, but i can't. i have to study. so off i go, trying my darnest. wish me luck. and pray for me, i'm going to need all the luck i can get.

SAM: i don't quite like ms chiam though, i think she is rather fake. yes, less than eighteen really and i'm majorly stressing. :l mids are bad, i wish i had more time. this year seems to fly by like anything. i detest it. i do hope you are feeling better. just msg me if you need anything okay? (: -hugs. takecare. loveloves!

we've been meeting here so long
i guess what we've done goes wrong
please darling don't you cry
let's just kiss and say goodbye

2004-04-13T04:45:00.000-07:00

for every last bruise you gave me
for everytime i sat in tears

school has been pretty stressful lately, considering the fact that we have so many tests and that our midyears are like, 18 days away and the teachers are seriously pushing us to study and revise and whatnot. i'm so drained from everything. in school i'm practically a walking zombie and only during certain lessons do i 'wake up'. this is NOT good, not good at all. i HAVE to do well for my midyears, i stress, I HAVE TO DO WELL.

we had our NAPFA test today, i did quite alright. A's and B's. now the only thing that is stopping me from getting a gold is my 2.4 km run. i can't run for nuts but i'm going to try my darnest to get a C so that i can actually get a gold and mrs bowness would stop getting on my case about me being majorly unfit. well sweetie, if i was majorly unfit i would be getting D's and E's instead of A's and B's. (: so there. i got my specs today too. so to add on to my short, short hair, i have spectacles. there. now all i need to do is study to become a full-fledged nerd! (: wow, aren't we all joyful. -rolls eyes.

screwed up yet another biology test. miss chiam decided to talk to me after bio. 'i'm very disappointed in you, you are capable of doing better, i'm willing to give up my extra time for you because you are worth it. SUCHA SIMPLE TEST AND YOU CANT EVEN DO IT?' oh gee thanks miss chiam, thanks for making me feel worse than i already did. i'm eternally grateful, really. damnit. now i have to spend my fridays with her, not like i don't see her enough. UGH. but at least now i know she actually cares. so MAYBE she isn't that bad afterall.

i'm tired and i have an amath test tomorrow which i PRAY i bloody won't screw up again. :l i hate the education system here. really, i do. absolutely detest it. (:

i'm confused. VERY CONFUSED. :l

SAM: yes i suppose you are right. you got baptised didn't you? gahh. i hate school. do you? (: -snarls.

there's a girl in my mirror
i wonder who she is
sometimes i think i know her
sometimes i really wish i did

2004-04-11T03:43:00.000-07:00

where are you now
now that i need you

HAPPY EASTER (: hope everybody had a good weekend? i for one had a pretty... good one? -shrugs. VERY UNPRODUCTIVE though. no work whatsoever done AT ALL. what nonsense is that? MUST GET MY LAZY BUM HARDWORKING! MUST study! ): argh. -pulls out my hair. oh well.

i went to church with sammo and jamie yesterday, rather interesting experience. i must say i felt majorly weird when it first started though. but after awhile i did start getting into the mood and what not. (: helenakingshaw was there! (: she is actually a very nice person. (: felt kind of weird seeing her though. but i must say when she dresses up she is rather pretty! (: she told sam and jamie to pray for me because she said i'm rather PSYCHOTIC. it was really funny when she said it though. :l not quite so funny now. anyway, i got into HUGE trouble when i went home because i didn't call my mum and she didn't want me to go to church in the first place so my phones got taken away! ): i still have one though, so all is not lost. i think church makes people cry, i don't know. i sure did. and i can tell you i wasn't the only one. i'm not quite ready to get into the worship phase yet if you know what i mean. these things probably come with time. :l wasn't feeling very good last night after the big quarrel and everything with my mum, was thinking of mutilating myself and all those you know, HORRID thoughts. but i suppose i'm fine now. (: which is a good thing, right?

went to gourmet to meet CLEMMIE today, an old friend of mine. :D had a great time i tell you, kim came after awhile and we were laughing and laughing like crazy nuts over boobyballs and what we did to her and all the little children and i dont know what, i think we were being quite mean really, not that i care. but i'm sure one day kim and i will get our retribution. :l OOH, we saw majorly sexy eyecandy! OMG, hot hot hot i tell you! HOT! (: kim and i were practically swooning. or maybe i was. EYECANDY. yumyum! (: they were the reason why fire alarms were made i tell you! :D majorly HOT. -fans self. okay, enough swooning. on the way home me and kim saw a SNAKE on the tree.it seems to be snake season, i saw one earlier today too! scary i tell you. :l was nice catching up with clemmie. (: next time we're going SHOPPING right? (: rich ass!

STEFFI: happy easter to you too! loveloves.

SAM: mmm i had a chocolate feast too! not good for body! FAT FAT FAT JUDY! ): -pouts.

SHIHUI-DADDY: yes i'll talk to you all! i love you daddy and mummy! -hugs,kisses and um. HUGS! (:

tears on my pillow
where ever you go
i'll cry me a river
that leads to your ocean
you'll never see me fall apart

2004-04-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

and thoughts are hard to say
i miss you everyday

havent updated in 234769 years. anyway, school has been pretty tolerable except some days when i really want to throw my books down the rubbish chute, run all the way home and curl up in bed and never wake up. which happens pretty often really. (: MIDS ARE COMING. i really really REALLY have to go all out from now on. which of course is really hard to do since i hardly touch my books. i think i failed my CA. i'm not sure, but from the looks of it i think i did. i have to work hard, like, SERIOUSLY HARD. i'm going to bury myself in books. (: doesn't that sound appealing. :l anyway, enough about books. i have to go and see an eye specialist tomorrow because my vision is failing me. i'll probably have to wear specs and end up looking like a nerd. well, i'm going to be one anyway so why not have the look as well? HAHA.

ooh yes, xuan came over that day and we actually studied! and yesterday i had a wonderful time during drama or rather, before drama with my darling girlfriends. (: what with the lessons about boys being stupid and ahem W--K and H--P. (: and all the dirty dirty jokes. we were laughing so hard our tummy's hurt till the end of drama. (: then we had spirit fingers and spanky pants and what not! oh gosh, i love those girls so much! tish, van and denise. (: the four rocking friends. we auditioned for a part as friends in the drama play and i really really hope we get it. (: its going to be GREAT. i'm glad i went for drama after all and i don't think i'm going to quit. :D i love those babes too much.

spent the day with my baby! hes so darn sweet, he gave me a me to you bear which i named twit. (: and he wrote me a letter. -melts. how sweet is that? (: -spins around. i love him SO DARN MUCH.

alright, i'll be going off now, happy good friday everyone. (:

STEFFI: yes i agree. okay, i wont get too stressed out. takecare you. (: lovelove.

SAMMO: okay thanks sam! thanks for tryna teach me, i know it gets really frustrating. (: takecare too! loves!

CHARMEI: hey dearie, i know you've been feeling down, don't worry, we'll make it through this shit together okay? takecare of yourself okay? drink alot of water and whatnot. and study hard. (: love you.

SAM: okay, ill ask if i need help. (: as you can see, alot of people are TRYING to help me with my maths. haha. (: yeah, no ones really happy anymore. sad isnt it. i wish i could return to those days when i cried only because i wanted my mummy and because i fell down or whatever. ): bring on the chocolate baby!

there is no one to comfort me
here in my cold reality
i'm searching for words
what can i say
to make you see

2004-04-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

there is nothing like that feeling
when i look into your eyes

i am in serious need of chocolate & stronger happy pills. i've been taking happypills to make me relax and not feel stressed for so long, i think the effect has worn off. just give me an overdose of it, make me happy, please. i've been feeling so lethargic and tired and drained recently. especially today, after all that crying and what not. i don't think i can go on like this any longer. isn't it funny though, how everybody seems so darn happy in school, but when they go home they cry and they hurt like nobody's business. and no one knows, because no one is around. and in front of their parents they put up a front, a happy-go-lucky one so their parents won't worry about them? maybe not everybody is like that, but i'm sure the majority of people or students rather, aren't as happy as they seem or appear to be.

today was about one of the worst days in school. i really don't want to go to school anymore. i don't see the point of studying about modern world history, or chinese stories or even kingshaw and hooper, because it won't benefit me in the future unless of course i want to be a secondary school teacher but by then the syllabus would have changed already. but where would i stand in society if i dropped out of school? which company would even take me in? anyhow, my midyears are coming and if i really don't buck up soon and start slogging my ass off, i'm going to undoubtedly get retained, considering the marks i'm getting now. no, i can even forget about getting retained, i'll have to go to some neighbourhood school or something. now, won't that be nice.

i found a great way to skip class. i can just say i need to puke, head off to the toilet and hide in there for the whole period. which was what i did today, during ms chiams class. i didn't skip the entire period, but i skipped doing practical. (: which is a good thing really, i would probably have a nuclear accident considering the mood i was in. felt really drained after school so i didn't stay back for amath remedial. don't worry! i'm having a make-up lesson! right, like that would help. sammo has been trying to teach me, but my brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate. sorry sammo! (: thanks for trying anyway. greatly appreciated. (:

what am i rambling about? i'm not even thinking coherent thoughts, my mind is all BLANK. yes, just call me BRAINDEAD.

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

2004-04-04T07:25:00.000-07:00

i can see the pain living in your eyes
and i know how hard you try

haven't been updating this weekend, guess i've been pretty busy AND lazy. (:

yesterday was rather eventful. (: especially in the evening and night, when i was with my darling partner. (: she is THE most fun person to take a bus with. (: in fact, all kinds of public transport. we met at wisma, had dinner at taka and decided not to go to the VJ concert we were supposed to go to. headed off to the paragon roof where she tried to SLEEP! tried TO SLEEP! and we went around the whole singapore looking for a doctor that would give her an MC at 12 dollars as we were BROKE. (: so we took a train to toa payoh, to find that the doctor was CLOSED and the only one that was open was a medical centre that charged 25 dollars. how nice is that? so we headed off to farrer road in the bus where we almost missed a stop and had to run off the bus like two crazy people and in that process i almost sprained my ankles thanks to my heeled mules. walked about a few km and guess what? the doctor was CLOSED. so you can imagine two girls running around the whole singapore, looking for a doctor that was cheap at 8 or 9 oclock in the night. headed off to her house and watched vcds. (: at the dolphin bay was really nice. and the little boy is SO GODDAMN CUTE! -pinches his cheeks. she lent the vcd to me, saying that it would improve my chinese? i sure hope it does! (: because i need all the help i can get in that area.

woke up at 6 am this morning just to go down to a temple to pay respects to my grandparents and late uncles and what not. (: it was a pretty.. enriching experience i'd say? (: korkor was there too, so the whole trip down wasn't a waste because he never fails to entertain me. (: had chinese tuition after that, i was falling asleep when she was reading to me, i think she noticed it. (: oh dear. you can't blame me for being tired. since i had to wake up so early on a SUNDAY morning, mind you.

had lunch with my parents had a french restaurant after that. (: YUMYUM. there goes the diet! diet? what diet!? -snarls. went gallavanting after that. (:

went over to my twins place after dinner and we watched ms congeniality together! (: was fun wasn't it twin. laughing like crazed maniacs on her carpet at ~~boobyballs~~.(inside joke) starts with what twin? A. (: -zips my mouth and throws away the key.yes, all we want is world peace!

alright, off to do my CME proj, which is highly overdue and STUDY FOR MY DAMN LIT TEST!

you deserve the chance at the kind of love
i'm not sure i'm worthy of
losing you is painful to me

2004-04-02T03:31:00.000-08:00

living without you
will tear me apart

i wish there were no such thing as love, i wish i could be a hermit and live in a tiny treehouse in a faraway land. i wish there was a place called fairyland where dreams came true and nothing went wrong. because my thoughts and the decision i'm going to make is tearing me apart. i can't stop thinking about it, every slightest thing reminds me of you. i don't want to let you go. but i'm wondering if things for both of us will be better if we just went our separate ways. maybe you deserve someone better. yes i think you do. you could get someone prettier, smarter and someone who can clique with you alot better than i can. if that will make you happy, then i'm willing to let you go. but i can't stop thinking of what you said to me. i wont let you get rid of me so easily. or something along those lines. why must everything be so complicated. why must love hurt so much. ): i don't know. i'm cranky and tired. i just want to shut all those thoughts out, hide in a little black hole and not think anything. (: or go to a faraway land where its just me, the sun, sand and sea. but thats running away. and i don't want to runaway from you. GAHH, what the hell am i rambling about ?!? shut up bitch. shut up.

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take
and still somehow
it's love's illusions that i recall
i really don't know love at all

2004-04-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

after all thats been said and done
you're just a part of me i can't let go

yesterday we had sports day. (: our class did alright, considering we are so miniscule. (: and we got our class tees, i must say they were nicer than the previous ones. i think they played an april fools joke on us in the morning, telling us that the class tees weren't coming. -pffts. our class only had two events so between the time of the two events i talked to tish, hua and ate chips,which is totally not in my diet but what the heck, i was hungry.(: the sun was terribly hot i tell you. it was burning, thank god our class was way at the back where we actually had shade. (: slept a bit because i felt really drained and tired although i didn't do much. hey, just call me a pig. (:

went out with hua, gen, huiling and san after that. hua and i headed to cine first in a cab, the cab driver kept talking and talking to us and showing off pictures of his grandchild and children. (: awww, how sweet. he's kind of queer though. l: ate at suki sushi, i never knew hua could eat SO MUCH. and she's still so slim! thats so unfair. ): but then again, nothing is fair. gen met us at suki sushi and we headed off to the bowling alley. i bowled ONE GAME and it was absolutely horrendous. i had a few spares and 9s but they were all by luck. in the end my score was still horrible.l: watched them bowl for awhile, i was pretty bored. went to check movie times and what not but there wasn't any nice movies showing that we wanted to watch so we ended up sitting at a cafe eating. NOT ACCORDING TO MY DIET AGAIN. but at least i had potato salad. (: met vtay and her friend after that. basically just walked around. boring? yes, quite. had 2 no nut chocolate FUDGE brownies. not only extremely fattening but totally addictive! bye bye diet. (: headed off home at around 8sth although my curfew was 9 plus because there was NOTHING TO DO at all. boring huh? l:

i really don't know what to do, i don't want to let you go and you don't want to let me go. i suppose we'll just have to work things out? i hope everything goes well. ): and if you're wondering, yes. i still love you.

SAM i wish it were that easy. the problem is when i'm confused, i can't sleep! ):

because i miss you
body and soul so strong
that it takes my breath away
and i breathe you
into my heart
and i pray for the strength to stand today
cause i love you
whether its wrong or right
and though i cant be with you tonight
you know my heart is by your side

2004-04-01T05:06:00.000-08:00

so tell me where do i start
because its breaking my heart

i'm extremely tired! i don't really feel like blogging tonight, i'll blog tomorrow, i need some serious rest! (: i'm all muddled up right now, a jumble of emotions. ):

i really miss you. ): tell me, what should i do? ):

couldn't stand to be kept away
just for the day
from your body
wouldn't want to be swept away
far away
from the one that i love

~~im so confused! ):~~

2004-03-31T01:24:00.000-08:00

im so tired of being here
supressed by all my childish fears

i'm really glad today is the last day of school, well, not really. but you get my point. (: sports day tomorrow,3CO is going to KICK SOME ASS (: hell yeah.AND i finally get my much awaited break. however, i have about 25489431 tests next week and if i don't get down to studying during the weekend i'm going to fail again.

today wasn't my day. it seriously wasn't. i felt extremely sluggish, lethargic and tired in the morning. that sluggishness lasted until lit, which was two periods before recess. i kept falling asleep in class. i'm glad lit managed to wake me up. (: slept for a whole lesson when mrs quek was reading her silly book, about nobodys and somebodys and ordinary and familiar land? what nonsense is that? i'm glad i had the sleep though, it was greatly necessary although i slept pretty early last night. recess was just plain,quiet. i suppose we were all suffering from the after effects of mrs queks sleeping session. (: or maybe we were just too engrossed with our food. didn't eat much though. the diet is STILL NOT WORKING. damnit. todays emath test was a total flunk. i am extremely confidant that i failed yet another emaths test. stupid mrs see just looked through my paper and gave me this really disapproving, disappointed stare which obviously didn't make me feel any better and oh boy, was i cranky. kept holding back my tears, it wasn't until PW that my tears just started flowing. i can't believe i can get SO affected by a damn maths test. i DETEST emaths and mrs see, my wonderful emaths teacher. i'm just going to have to ask ms lim for help i suppose. the lit lecture was pretty alright today, i could follow it and i learnt some things from it so at least it was beneficial. (:

i can't wait to go out tomorrow, i can finally just let everything go. being cooped up in my house thinking horrid thoughts does NOT help at all, not that i've not been going out alot. (:

3CO ROCKS BALLS! (: we're so going to kick ass, you go girls!

so go on and scream
scream at me, i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe
i can't keep going under

2004-03-30T04:53:00.000-08:00

you gave me wings and made me fly
you touched my hand i could touch the sky

SAM i only use one blog now, this blog. (: yeah thats true, but when you have a certain mindset i suppose your mind will act on you and affect you to be either happy, depressed or angry? i dont know really. but i think what you think about and what you do affects your mentality. like kingshaw! and the broughton-smith incident. (: okay, that was totally out of point but yes, you get the picture. when you put two depressed people together you get double the depression? (: but i still think we can relate! alright, i shall go to church with you when i am ready, i don't think i am yet. but when i think i do i'll tell you! (: right now my diet is useless as being the chocolate freak that i am, i cant help but eat chocolate and bread dipped in nutella. ): BAD GIRL. ): i need to diet, you should see my tummy, its like as if i'm 5 months pregnant! gargantuous tummy. i disgust myself seriously. (: okay, see you around in school. we shall rant together! (: takecare, lovelove. (:

ive got a bowling ball sized brain and chang has a peabrain! (: -pffts. jies always wins dis! (: i miss my little sunshines! ): and i miss my twit. i guess i'm still confused as to what to do. -pffts. silly bowling brain. its hollow inside. ):

you were always there for me
the tender wind that carried me
a light in the dark shining your love into my life
you've been my inspiration
through the lies you were the truth
my world is a better place because of you

2004-03-30T02:15:00.000-08:00

this love has taken its toll on me

school was really UNPRODUCTIVE today, as usual. fell asleep during most of the classes but thanks to charmaine's REFRESHER, i didn't fall asleep during the earlier parts of the day. i failed yet another redundant chinese test, i don't know why they keep giving us tests and making us study because i will undoubtedly fail over and over again. come to think of it, i don't think i have passed any of the chinese tests since the beginning of the school year. i am eternally grateful to the new rule that we don't need chinese to enter a local uni just in case i intend to go to one. (: school is becoming terribly boring, the only lessons i actually enjoy are lit(occasionally) and history, somehow i stopped falling asleep during history and paying attention. (: i like amath remedials, they work better for me than lessons because during lessons my mind will just D R I F T. (: and ms lim seriously rocksballs. (:

went to 'study' with chang after school, we managed to do some work for the first forty-five minutes but after that we kind of lost interest in birdshaw and looper that we started gossiping and playing around. :l there goes the lit. (: had a good time though, catching up with a long-lost old friend. (: or di rather. so i suppose it didn't really matter that my lit homework is not finished and i didn't learn one single emath thing and that i'm going to fail yet another emath test tomorrow? or maybe it does. :l i'm glad we're getting a long weekend, i can catch up with friends and get my much needed rest. (:

today is pigggy's birthday!happy birthday pigggy (:

SAM yes i agree totally, it is a constant trouble but i've learnt that depression is a state of mind that i can get out of if i really force myself to be happy. (: but i agree it really is a struggle. i realised that people at school don't show they're true sides. they might look happy but no one sees their tears and the pain they're going through. ): you can rant to me anytime of the day okay? write to me, email me, what not. (: i think we can relate to each other yes? (: maybe i'll try going to your church with you, i've never been to church before actually and i've seen so many people change and become happier when they've established a relationship with God and made friends with people in church? (: so i would like to give it a try. anyhow, you take care alright. and my damn diet is SO NOT WORKING. i keep eating and eating, damn it. im becoming like a freaking fat cow. ): lets eat chocolates and BE HAPPY. :l try. loveloves.

let the rain fall down
and wake my dreams
let it wash away my sanity
cause i wanna feel the thunder
i want to scream
let the rain fall down
im coming clean

2004-03-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

are you afraid of being alone
because i am lost without you

i'm extremely confused right now, my insides are in a turmoil and i dont know what to do. ): after all that talking and everything today, i'm so darn confused, i talked to my twin, i talked to charmaine and after doing some thinking i still don't know what to do! tell me, just tell me, what should i do? ): i'm utterly confused and i have absolutely no idea what to do AT ALL. ):

i am absolutely determined to get my ass down to studying. however, i dont see that target coming true as yet. (: but i will study like a true blue nerd would. (: yes, i am absolutely positively determined to do so. also, my time will be spent constructively, not doing silly things like prancing about in the rain but doing constructive things like studying, reading, exercising, catching up with old friends and dieting. (: also, i will make an effort to go to church, to go and see what it is like and what it is all about. (: i think i need to do some praying as i have committed awful sins and i need to get rid of them, to cleanse myself of them. AND i need to do some thinking. (:

as of tomorrow i will start on my diet, i will skip recess and eat only fruits and vegetables in attempt to lose weight, my stomach is getting bigger and bigger. soon it will be like the DISTENDED BELLIES OF MALNOURISHED CHILDREN. (: mine will be OVERLYNOURISHED. (: i will drink a lot of liquid to keep myself from eating too much. (: yes, that i will.

watch me fulfill my targets people. (: i will do it. (:

where are you? and i'm so sorry,
i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonight,
i need somebody and always,
this sick, strange darkness comes creeping on,
so haunting everytime